Today is a great day. In fact, today is perhaps a day which will go down in the annals of time as the greatest day since booze was invented.

Today is a great day. In fact, today is perhaps a day which will go down in the annals of time as the greatest day since booze was invented - because today is the day we can tell you that according to the London School of Hygiene and Tropical medicine, alcohol actually saves more lives than it kills.

Okay, I can understand people who might point out that the number of people saved every year by, say, St Bernards with those cute little barrels of brandy on their collar is rather smaller than the number of people who are killed by drunk drivers. But bear with me.

Because according to the good people at the London School, while booze may kill 13,000 people a year in Britain, it actually saves 15,000 lives as well.

The report even goes on to say that "among men overall, 11,000 lives were saved through alcohol, while 9,000 were killed".

The positive effects are centred around the pulmonary system, apparently, and a bit o' the ould crathur does wonders for the system.

ISpy tried to get a quote on this wondrous news from legendary comic and boozer Johnny Vegas - that's him above - but, not surprisingly, he was down the pub.

Still, I can't wait to be at the scene of an accident to hear someone say "let me through, I'm a publican".

Eoin Ryan with a piper. On Grafton St. With cheerleaders. Dear Lord ISpy has always had quite a lot of time for Fianna Fail politician Eoin Ryan. We like the fact that he looks like he has actually lived a life, and we really empathise with his obvious and highly publicised hostility towards Dublin's glorious Lord Mayor, Royston Brady.

But Ryan is finished with this column, finished I tell yez, following his shameful performance on Grafton Street on Saturday, when he appeared with - and I'm shuddering even as I type this - a piper. And cheerleaders. Handing out flyers.

Dear God, man, you're meant to be one of the better politicians. Whoever talked you into such a cheesy display should be fired. Immediately.

Honestly Michael, this isn't political It really came as no surprise to see Fahrenheit 9-11 winning the Palm D'Or at Cannes.

Look at it this way: anti-Bush movie, being screened in France. How could it lose?

Well, according to yesterday's edition of Salon.com, Quentin Tarantino, who was head of the festival jury, has reassured people that the award "was not political. I told Michael that he won because it was the best movie we had seen and had nothing to do with the current situation."

Of course, Quentin. We believe you. Just as we believe your next movie is going to be a tender treatise on the human condition with no swearing, crap dialogue or Uma Thurman.

See, this is why I don't wear a a tie ISpy would rather be strangled by a giant wet sausage than wear a tie every day, which is something of a problem when you work in a building as grand and, ahem, formal as Castle Indo where you are expected to adopt a certain dress code. Which we don't.

So hooray for the news that American doctors have been warned that wearing a neck tie can be potentially lethal to their patients and they have been informed that "while wearing a tie makes you look professional, it can spread infection and disease".

And there were people thinking ISpy was just a slob. Nope, I was thinking of your health all along. So there.

Alanis Morissette behaving like a mad woman? Oh, fair enough While conducting some rigorous research for this column yesterday (OK, we were in the pub) we were told by a friend of ours of Alanis Morissette's behaviour while backstage at her recent gig in the Point.

Apparently, people were informed not to make eye contact with the Canadian spacer, while support and technical staff were issued with a warning to stay away from her dressing room. This being Ireland, they refused to do so and several of them apparently stood outside her dressing room giggling furiously as they listened to her nonsensical pre-gig chanting.

Still, we're sure it was a lovely gig, full of happy, well-adjusted young women who don't have any problem with men at all. No, really.

Larry David for vice-president? Only one bullet away from the best potus Ask anyone who has TG4 who has ever seen HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm and they will probably tell you that it is the best sitcom since the Larry Sanders Show and that creator Larry David is a stone-cold genius. But Vice-President?

Well, according to the current issue of Vanity Fair, that is exactly what he wants to become.

In an open letter to John Kerry he suggests that Kerry picks him because "there are an awful lot more chickens out there than Silver Star recipients. Bush has an appeal to chickens. He avoided Vietnam by going into the national guard. I avoided it by going into army reserve. And not only am I afraid of combat, I'm afraid of a million other things - insects, women, bad toilets, having fun - and I'm homophobic to boot. Don't tell me that's not going to swing some voters."

Y'know, it's so crazy it just might work.

And you think your kids are bad? Spare a thought for the parents of a 10-year-old who has become the youngest ever individual to be arrested for football hooliganism.

Actually, rather than sparing a thought for the parents of the child, who was arrested for riotous behaviour following the now infamous riots between bitter south-coast rivals Portsmouth and Southampton, maybe his folks should be standing trial, and not him.

Incredibly, the boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was arrested with a 14-year-old girl, described as his girlfriend, when the pair were involved in throwing stones at both police and rival fans.

Yup, he sounds like a lovely child.

Ian O'Doherty iodoherty@unison.independent.ie