Big mouth, small brain strikes again . . .
Friday May 25 2007
Anyone who read yesterday's column (come on, it's nothing to be ashamed of) will be aware of how thrilled, exirah and delirah we are to welcome Big Brother back to our screens next week.
Sure, it means the summer schedules will now revolve around Big Brother, Big Brother's Little Brother, the Big Brother weekly review and trout-faced idiot Davina McCall's new Sunday night Big Brother show.
But on the upside, we will be introduced to a new procession of gormless, intellectually bankrupt wannabes. And isn't that the whole point? Well, no it isn't, according to one of Britain's most idiotic politicians, Tessa Jowell.
Following the decision by British TV regulator Ofcom - do not confuse it with the education regulator Ofsted, as this column did yesterday - to castigate Big Brother for the ridiculously over-hyped "racism" row involving Shilpa Shetty, Culture Secretary Jowell has given us the benefit of her tiny brain, saying: "I am grateful to Ofcom for their thorough examination of these issues.
"Public service broadcasters hold a very special place of trust with the British people, and it is right that they are held to account by the regulator when there are issues of public concern. Errors of judgment were made which Channel 4 has acknowledged."
Right. So it's okay for public broadcasters to parade the cranks, weirdoes and lunatics who populate Big Brother across our screens every night, but as soon as a genuinely interesting story develops - race relations in modern Britain - the company get slapped down for it.
Still, Jowell's chutzpah is a thing to behold. The last time she commented on a controversial programme, she called Brass Eye's 'Paedogeddon' episode "unspeakably sick", demanded that it never be shown and that the people responsible should face criminal investigation for promoting paedophilia.
She made her tent on the moral high ground and refused to budge - until it emerged she hadn't seen the programme and didn't know what she was talking about. No change there, then.
Forget lawyers. Let's do the estate agents
Trying to sell a house or an apartment at the moment? Are you feeling that little ball of rage in stomach grow every time you have to deal with an estate agent?
Well, allow that little ball to become a little bigger following the news that Sherry Fitzgerald have increased their commission by a remarkable 50% because they are "holding more stock than usual" on their books. In other words, as the market begins to slow, estate agents and auctioneers have decided to stick it to the consumer, much to the chagrin of consumer advice groups.
But this is unfair on these fine, upstanding people.
After all, if you're paying 500k for a one bed roomed rabbit hutch on the wrong side of town, at least you can console yourself with the idea that, actually, you are residing in a bijou studio accommodation in an artistic neighbourhood with a colourful local community.
There, that makes you feel better, doesn't it?
When politicians attack
It seems that some politicians just have critically thin skins.
One of the younger candidates in this election, a girl of the female persuasion, has attracted attention for her apparent good lucks. And, in fairness, when you look at the majority of Irish politicians, any face which doesn't curdle milk and make animals cry is going to look good.
But it seems that this particular apprentice politico's boyfriend needs to chill out. When a dashing Irish Independent journalist jokingly asked this girl out on a date, her man went mental and rang the hack on a Saturday evening, muttering darkly about "respect" and "being offended" before warning ominously that if such a request was to be made again, then "we'll be having words, pal".
Thankfully, it wasn't a Sinn Fein candidate, so the journo hasn't had to flee the country.
Do you need God? You betcha do
Are there better ways to waste time than do an internet test? Well, probably, but when the conditions of both your bail and your continued employment stipulate that you cannot look at any more pictures of naked women, the options become rather limited.
And anyone who wants to waste some time while nourishing their spiritual side should check out needgod.com, which assesses your spiritual capability.
This column dutifully filled out the forms - and the monitor began to sizzle and smoke before the website crashed. Is this normal? Did we get an answer wrong or something?
Aw, poor Mick. Or is that Mickey?
Regular readers may remember the horrifying story of randy Brazilian men getting spiders to bite them so their erection will be increased.
But now eccentric film maker Julien Temple has disclosed that Mick Jagger once attracted a load of bees onto his old chap and encouraged them to sting his member, so it would swell in size.
Well, if Janice Dickinson's recent disclosures about Jagger during her interview with Jonathan Ross was anything to go by, it's hardly the first time he felt a little prick in the trouser department.
