Style Sex & Relationships

Saturday 20 September 2014

Dear Rosanna: Kinky lover wants to be whipped

Rosanna Davison

Published 29/08/2013 | 12:05

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LONDON - OCTOBER 6:  A man in red devil rubber cat suit poses during the "Skin 2 Rubber Ball" at the Po Na Na on October 6, 2003 in Hammersmith, London.  (Photo by Jo Hale/Getty Images)
Boyfriend wants to watch porn in which there are women dressed in leather bodysuits and whipping men. (file image)
Email Rosanna questions to rosanna@herald.ie

Q I agreed to watch porn with my boyfriend after he convinced me that it would spice up our sex life. At first, the storylines seemed quite natural and I felt comfortable watching them. But of late he has wanted to watch porn in which there are women dressed in leather bodysuits and whipping men.

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In one of his favourite stories, a woman blindfolds a man and puts a nipple clamp on him, which makes him moan a lot. My boyfriend gets very aroused by this.

Should I just nip this in the bud now, do you think? I know I could just blindfold him and pretend to like it as he'd never know I was faking. But, at the same time, what if he asks me to wear a leather bodysuit? I know my bum would look massive in it. But more importantly, it just isn't my thing.

Rosanna says:While men are very much stimulated by visual imagery, your boyfriend seems to have a fetish that goes beyond enjoying regular pornography. As it's a fairly recent development, it could be just a phase he's going through.

However, I strongly feel that you should not agree to do anything that you're not comfortable with. You'll feel embarrassed and awkward, and possibly regret it afterwards.

With regards to porn in general, I strongly advise you to be careful with the amount you are viewing together as it has the potential to destroy relationships when one partner can become too dependent on it – or even addicted.

I suggest you tell your boyfriend that you're not happy to go along with his pornographic fantasies. Instead, it would be much healthier to focus on your relationship without the use of porn, and to really explore what turns each other on in the bedroom without relying on adult movies.

 

WHy won't my boyfriend let me hug or kiss him in public? He's very comfortable with intimacy when we're at home and, in fact, has always loved a good cuddle. Yet once we're out and about, and it doesn't matter whether we're out with his friends, my gang or by ourselves, he becomes very frigid around me. He flinches whenever I go to take his hand or move in to give him a kiss or to rub his arm.

He says he's just shy, but I am finding his coldness around public displays of affection very depressing. I want to be able to spontaneously show him how much I care.

Rosanna says:While over-the-top PDAs are never appreciated by those who have to witness them, it can be really nice to enjoy holding your partner's hand in public or share a cuddle when the moment is right.

It sounds to me that he's not intentionally being cold and distant in public. It's more likely that he was brought up like that and his parents were very much the same when he was growing up.

Children learn by example and he was probably taught that affection between a couple should be solely reserved for the privacy of their own home. So it's important for you to understand that it's nothing personal, it's just the way he's been conditioned. You could definitely try talking to him about it and ask him to explain more about why he's so reluctant to hold your hand.

You could begin to get him used to it by holding his hand for a few minutes at a time and work on building his confidence. If he really cares then he will make the effort.

 

I lied to my girlfriend when we first got together and told her she was a terrific cook. The flattery worked and, eight months later, we're still together.

And she is still serving me large portions of whatever she cooks. I think I might be getting an ulcer as a result, as my gut is always giving me trouble.

She doesn't come close to my mum when it comes to making dinners and is forever leaving things in the oven for far too long and they dry out and are awful to eat. How can I tell her this, in a nice way? I don't want to jeopardise our relationship, but I feel I'm putting my health at risk here.

Rosanna says:I definitely think that you need to take action immediately, especially as you feel that your health is at risk. Gut health is so important to overall wellbeing as much of our immune defences and brain chemicals, such as serotonin, are produced in the gut. So an unhealthy gastrointestinal environment is not a good thing.

Obviously, you need to tread carefully here to avoid offending your girlfriend, so my advice is to suggest she tries out new recipes and methods of cooking as you have been having a reaction to what she currently cooks.

You could offer to help in the kitchen or you could even sign up to a couple's cookery class for the fun and educational time spent together. Watch recipes being prepared on YouTube and check out some of the many amazing blogs on simple, nutritious dishes.

Finally, please see your GP if you continue to feel discomfort in your gut as ulcers can be extremely serious.

 

Send your questions to Rosanna@herald.ie

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