Dear Rosanna: 'I was out of his league and he still cheated on me. Now I trust no man'
Published 17/06/2015 | 09:21
Our agony aunt Rosanna Davison answers reader's questions.
Q. An ex boyfriend cheated on me five years ago and I just can't trust a man since. I dumped him the second I found out but the damage he has done to my confidence is lasting.
I always used to go out with really good-looking guys but this ex was nothing to look at and I would not normally have given him the time of day, but he was a charmer and really funny too and he wormed his way in.
In fact, I think I trusted him more because, truthfully, I thought that I was well out of his league to begin with.
I know that sounds shallow but I settled down with him and planned a future in my head that meant him adoring me and feeling so lucky to have me and then he made a fool of me.
Maybe I deserved to be taken down a peg or two, but I'm in my 30s now and I need to get over this somehow and get on with my life.
I'm sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience with this man, and I can fully understand why it did so much damage to your self-confidence and attitude towards men.
But I think you know yourself that you can't continue like this, because you'll never be able to settle into a relationship.
There are a lot of good, honest and loyal men out there, but not trusting a person from the beginning will not build a healthy relationship. There absolutely has to be trust for a relationship to work out, and you'll quickly push away a man if you try to control where he goes and who he talks to.
My advice is to speak to a reputable relationship counsellor about your worries, and see if they can offer the advice and guidance that you need to be able to build your confidence and trust again.
I lost a lot of weight two years ago and have managed to keep it off by remaining committed to my lifestyle choices. I walk everywhere and prepare my lunches for work and always buy healthy shopping at the weekend.
I really enjoy how I look and feel, but recently, a really good friend of mine told me to be careful I don't lose too much weight.
I thought she was just jealous, but after having a proper conversation with her she made some points that I can't ignore.
For example, I now turn down any dinner invites to restaurants and people's homes and always try to make the invite more general - like meet over coffee or for a drink.
There were lots of other things she mentioned, such as how I visibly tense when sweets are offered around and won't go anywhere without healthy snacks and the conclusion is that I need some help to loosen up as my food intake is controlling my life too much.
I think she might be right as the points weren't made in a nasty way and she's pretty thin herself, so I can't really say she's jealous. Who do you go to see if you're too fixated on healthy eating?
It's great to hear that you're so committed to a healthy lifestyle, and congratulations on losing weight and getting fit.
Your health is a priority, and maintaining a healthy weight is an important part of wellness.
But there is a fine line between health and obsession, and it's commendable for your friend to be brave and honest enough to speak to you about her concerns.
It certainly does sound like you would benefit from loosening up a little bit and enjoying treats like a meal out with friends.
It would be awful to realise in years to come that you had missed out on fun occasions because you were too worried about putting on weight.
I do understand that you worked so hard to lose weight and get fit, and that you want to avoid putting it on again at all costs.
But if you're active, then a meal out or occasional treat foods aren't going to do that much damage.
My advice is to make an appointment to speak to a nutritionist about your concerns.
They will be able to prepare a food plan for you based on the calories your body requires everyday for metabolic activities and the exercise that you do.
It will hopefully help to give you a clearer picture and to lessen any concerns you have.
I've been invited to five weddings this summer and autumn and there is no way I can afford to go to them all - but the people getting married are all part of the same circle of pals and it's going to be really hard to opt out of any of them without causing offence.
One wedding is in Italy and they seem to think we can all just book our holidays around it. The other four weddings are outside of Dublin so they involved overnight stays etc. No one else in the gang seems bothered so I'm a lone ranger here
People can be so funny about weddings and take it really personally if you don't go. I'd say my budget can stretch to about two of them - but should I just say no to all?
Wedding season can be a very expensive time of the year, especially when the weddings involve travel and hotels.
In an ideal world, of course you would love to attend all of your friends' big days. But for you, it's simply not feasible and that means you're going to have to make some difficult decisions.
I wouldn't suggest you say no to them all, but if I were you, I would figure out which two weddings make most sense for you financially. Check costs of travel and accommodation, and plan accordingly.
However, you're going to have to be very honest with the couples of the weddings that you decide not to attend. Explain to them that you would absolutely love to go, but you simply can't afford it. If your budget can stretch to a card or small token gift, then I would suggest you give them something.
But take the time to speak to each person individually and let them know your reason for not being able to attend, so that nobody is offended.