Dear Mary: My new boyfriend lied to me about the girl who called to 'see his friend'
Q. I am a woman in my early twenties and I met my new boyfriend on an online dating site.
We went on several dates together - dinners, etc - and he is very kind and caring. Things quickly progressed (but not too quickly as we had both been hurt a lot in the past) and we are now in a proper relationship. We are extremely happy together and haven't had our first argument yet. We are very close emotionally and physically and we communicate very well together. I do feel I can speak to him about almost anything.
However, there is one issue that is really getting me down and it hurts me. Otherwise he is the man of my dreams and this is the only doubt I have about him.
In the first month of our courtship, before we were 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend (and Facebook official boyfriend and girlfriend), his ex-girlfriend who broke up with him a little over a year and a half ago, was in his apartment when I was there. We were in his bedroom, and she was visiting his roommate, who is also male, in the sitting room. My boyfriend had said "oh our friend X is over visiting my roommate Y".
He lied to me at this time that she was just a friend in his large group of friends. It was revealed later that night that she was in fact his ex-girlfriend who still hangs around as they had an 'easy' break-up and remain friends. As they have the same large group of friends they didn't want to make it awkward for their mutual friends.
My boyfriend told me that she ended it when they had both been quite unhappy in the relationship for some time, and that he was relieved she ended it. What bothers me is why the hell is she going to his house to visit his friend? I am really, really uncomfortable with this, especially as he told me he would sit and watch movies with them sometimes.
She came over again about two weeks later and I went home before she arrived as I had work early the next day. I told my boyfriend I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting chatting to her as I would feel awkward and not know what to say to her. He agreed with me that it was an 'unorthodox' situation. I just can't get my head around it. I would never, ever be in any of my ex's homes, or even speak to them. I asked my boyfriend how he would feel if my ex came to my home to 'hang out' with me and my family or friends, and he said he wouldn't like it.
He knows how I feel but I didn't want to argue or make him think that I am a jealous woman because I am not. I just fear that he may rekindle things with her when I'm not around or remember good and loving times they had together in the past which I know can happen. I will also mention that he is friends with her on Facebook too and often 'likes' her photos or posts. She also 'likes' his posts. I'm meeting his parents this week (his idea) which is excellent, and he has met mine. I've also met almost all of his best friends, some of them married couples, and I feel they like me, and I see myself and my boyfriend as a serious relationship. We also have holidays and plans together for months in advance.
I don't think I have anything to worry about so soon into our relationship. I suppose I am insecure and afraid of losing the man of my dreams to a woman who, perhaps, overlooked him earlier on as he really is a fantastic boyfriend in every way.
I would really appreciate your advice, Mary. I'm losing sleep over this and I can't talk to him about it again. I don't want to snoop on his phone or anything either.
A Firstly let me say I applaud you for not snooping on your boyfriend's phone or computer. Nothing good ever comes from prying.
People have different ways of ending relationships varying from never speaking to each other ever again to remaining good friends. Indeed, an acquaintance of mine still goes on holidays with her ex-husband. In your boyfriend's case his ex decided that it should end because they were both unhappy with how things were between them. But they remained friends and are still friends on Facebook. I agree that it is a little unusual that she calls to his house - but perhaps she fancies his housemate or misses being in a relationship.
However, you are the one who he is making plans with; you are the one who he is bringing to meet his parents and so very obviously you are the one who he wants to be with, not her. As time goes by and you spend more and more time together you will become more secure in the relationship. I realise that you have been hurt in the past and are afraid of it happening again, but try not to let this one thing stop you from enjoying the wonderful heady days at the beginning of a relationship. This is a time when you are getting to know each other at a slightly deeper level, opening up to each other more and more and very much liking what you find. So relax, try not to think about his ex and enjoy this time that you will never have again.
By the way, it would be very boring if you agreed on absolutely everything so don't be afraid of having arguments - they are an inevitable part of life. It is what you do with them and how you handle them that is important.
You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.