Wednesday 23 August 2017

Dear Mary: It's impossible to forget boyfriend who ditched me over the phone

Picture posed
Picture posed

Mary O'Conor

I met a guy on a night out and was seeing him for a few months. He is a good few years older than me and lived in the UK so we both flew over and back to Dublin to see each other.

Things were going so well and I really thought this was it. He was caring, attentive, listened to my problems and was easy to laugh and joke with.

I told my friends and family about him, and he told his about me. We talked about possible future plans and discussed when we would see each other next.

One evening he called me to say he was unsure of his feelings for me. The next day he called it off, saying he didn't see it being long-term.

This was totally out of the blue and took me by surprise. I felt like an utter fool. We have chatted since then once or twice, but never about what happened.

The problem now is that I can't get over it. It has totally devastated me and consumes my thoughts, especially the idea that we might get back together.

I am still in love with him but I've had to delete him on all social media as I felt sick seeing him chatting to other girls.

It's getting to the point that I'm obsessing over it which is very unlike my normal self when it comes to relationships and breakups.

I've started an amazing new job but cannot put my all into it due to this situation.

Should I contact him again - even though I know he is seeing another woman now - or what can I do to ease this pain?

Mary replies: This must have been a horrible experience for you, when out of the blue your boyfriend called a halt to what promised to be a really good relationship.

It is also particularly difficult to get this news on the telephone - it somehow seems so impersonal.

Women end relationships because they are unhappy and don't see a future together. As a general rule men end them when they have found somebody else.

It is possible that this man either met somebody new or somebody came back into his life and he decided that this was who he wanted to be with.

You should not contact him again. He has your number if he wants to call you and you would only be prolonging the distress to yourself by hearing his voice again. You will have to look very firmly forward rather than looking back.

I appreciate that you are obsessing about him and what might have been but this is not doing yourself any favours and is probably hurting your performance in your new job.

I suggest that you give yourself some time every week - for instance 7pm every Wednesday - and allow yourself 30 minutes in which to wallow.

You might even need two sessions a week to begin with.

Any other time you find yourself thinking about him remind yourself that you will be thinking about him on the appointed night, and then get back to what you were doing before the thoughts of him interrupted you.

You will find that this is a very useful exercise in getting over your heartache and getting on with your life.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

Sunday Independent

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