Monday 29 December 2014

Dear Mary: I'm not very interested in sex but I pretend for my fiance

Mary O'Conor

Published 17/06/2013 | 05:00

A rush to make love by young people can result in negative early thoughts regarding sex - photo posed
Library Image.

I'm engaged to be married in a few months and I'm having doubts about the whole thing. I can't say that I'm marrying the love of my life because that title belongs to somebody else. That person was my first love and I thought that we would be together forever. But it was not to be.

When I was 19, I got pregnant and we went to Britain together where I had an abortion and things were never right between us after that. I can't say that he changed, but I did. I didn't want to have sex with him after the abortion, and I never did again. My sex drive was never that high anyway, so it didn't matter all that much to me. But of course it mattered to him and so we eventually broke up because of that.

Years later, I met my fiance and we have been together now for a couple of years. He is separated and he and his wife didn't have any children.

He knows all about the abortion and accepts that this was what was right for me at the time.

We have sex and it's fine, in fact I enjoy it, but I never look forward to it, I never initiate, and to be honest I wouldn't really care if we never had it. But I know it is important to him so I pretend to be all on for it. He is a really good guy and we have what I consider to be a loving relationship. I can't talk to anybody about this because if I do and then I go ahead with the wedding they would always know that I had doubts. Should I marry him even though I don't really fancy him?

Mary replies:

I can see there are huge amounts of different thoughts going around in your head, and as a result you are beginning to feel panicked. I am not going to solve your dilemma as to whether you should go ahead with the wedding or not, but I will try to help you look at things from a different perspective.

At the moment, everything is jumbled and you are associating your lack of interest in sex with the fact that you had an abortion. However, you never have had a high libido, and that is just a fact of life. Some women have much higher sex drives than others, and contrary to what people think, the same is true for men.

So things haven't changed all that much for you – in both cases your partners had a bigger sexual appetite than you did.

In the case of your first love, you withdrew sexually from him and no doubt the recent experience of the abortion precipitated this. It must have been a very traumatic time for you both at such a young age. Now with your fiance, you enjoy yourself once things get going, but you don't ever start it off. The most important thing to hold on to in all of this is that you enjoy the actual act of sex, and you should try to look at it with this positive mindset. It's a bit like not being particularly hungry, but enjoying food when somebody serves it up to you in an appetising way. In fact, it seems that instead of not fancying your fiance, you don't really fancy the idea of having sex very much, with him or with anybody else. If this is the case, then you should remind yourself of how much you enjoy it when you are actually having it.

There are so many facets to a relationship, sex being one of them. If you were to ask your fiance if he enjoys his sex life with you, he would probably say that he does. For him, it may well be an important part of the relationship, for you this is not the case. Things like trust, respect, the ability to make you laugh and communication may all rank higher from your point of view, and that is perfectly fine.

We never get everything we want from any one person, and I'm sure if you were to think back to your first love, you would find that there were certain qualities that were lacking in him.

Apart from telling me that you don't particularly look forward to having sex with your fiance, I cannot find anything that would lead me to believe that he wouldn't make you happy. Can you?

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