Style Sex & Relationships

Saturday 23 August 2014

Dear Mary: I love having sex... but guys always want a relationship

Mary O'Conor

Published 15/07/2013 | 05:00

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Having a really enjoyable sex life truly enhances a good relationship

What's wrong with having sex with lots of guys? I am in my early 20s and do not mind admitting that I love having sex. When I am walking down the street, when I am on public transport, when I am at a concert, in a pub – when I am anywhere in fact, I see a guy and imagine what it would be like to have sex with him.

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I often do. And I am great at it. They have a really good time and we laugh afterwards.

But then they get serious and want a long-term relationship and I don't.

And then they get angry and it all ends in a mess.

Am I mad or are they all as selfish as hell?

Mary replies:

You have a high libido and, as a result, thoroughly enjoy sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and lots of women would envy your appetite.

Of course, it is more usual for guys to say that they think about sex a lot, fantasise about girls on the street, etc.

However, you seem to think that if you have a long-term relationship that this will mean you will not have a good sex life, which makes me wonder if you have ever been in a long-term relationship because the two are not mutually exclusive.

Indeed, having a really enjoyable sex life truly enhances a good relationship.

If you feel that you are inclined to separate out sex and relationships then it may be that you have a problem with intimacy, and you need to find out why this is so.

You can learn a lot about yourself by reflecting on what sort of role model for a loving relationship you saw when you were growing up, what your early sexual experiences were like and what other things coloured your attitude regarding relationships.

If, however, you feel that you are just not ready to settle down, then so be it.

May I add a word of caution here? I have never heard a guy complain that a girl has had too few partners in the past, whereas I sometimes have heard them remark that they find a large number of previous sexual partners to be something of a turn- off when they are looking for a potential long-term partnership.

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