Style Sex & Relationships

Thursday 21 August 2014

Dear Mary: I don't want new lover to have an abortion

Published 27/05/2013 | 05:00

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I'm really confused right now and as I can't talk to anybody else I'm trying the anonymity of the news paper.

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I have a relatively new girlfriend – it's only a few months since we got together – and as a result of her having a virus, and vomiting all the time, the Pill wasn't effective, and now she is pregnant.

She wants to have an abortion because she says we don't know each other well enough to be parents, and I can't think of anything worse than aborting an unborn child.

All the controversy going on right now doesn't help, and I am at my wit's end.

None of our parents has a clue as to what is really going on.

I'm in my late 20s and she is a few years younger. What are your thoughts?

Mary replies:

I can understand why you are feeling confused, and you certainly are faced with quite a dilemma. I feel that the whole abortion issue should be very much a personal choice, but the problem is that you both have quite opposing views as to what should happen. Ultimately, your girlfriend is the one who has the choice as to whether to give birth or to abort, and apart from making your views known, you do not have the option of enforcing them.

But there is a really important alternative – adoption – which is something you might both consider. There are so many childless couples who would so much welcome the gift of a baby into their home.

I wonder if you have actually discussed all of this in sufficient detail with your girlfriend. You need to know why she wants an abortion. It may be that she is embarrassed about being pregnant – after all she doesn't know you very long and her family and friends will be aware of this.

Have you assured her that you will be standing by her, no matter what people say?

In fact, nowadays once people get over the shock of a pregnancy in a situation such as yours, they are usually incredibly supportive.

If you do go ahead and have the baby, you must be prepared to take on the role of being a father to this child, and that means for the rest of your life. You need to be ready for that, even if the relationship with your girlfriend were to break down.

No matter what happens, you will have shared this experience and whatever decision you both make will impact on your future together – if indeed there is a future.

I feel that if she goes ahead with the abortion you will find it very difficult to continue with the relationship.

In an ideal world you should support her no matter what happens, but the world in which we live is far from ideal.

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