Sex & Relationships

Monday 28 July 2014

Ask Rosanna: Do men expect sexy lingerie from a new girlfriend?

Rosanna Davison

Published 19/06/2014|11:56

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Rosanna Davison wearing Valentine’s lingerie by Chantelle, at Brown Thomas department store in Dublin
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Q. A friend asked me if I had worn suspenders for my new boyfriend yet, she told me this was like ice cream in the summer time, a rite of passage. She also said that the early stages of a relationship are pretty much the only time we do these kinds of things — is she right? Do men expect this from a new girlfriend?

A. When it comes to relationships, there is absolutely no right or wrong. It all depends on what you feel most comfortable with, and the stage that you’re at with your boyfriend. If you really want to dress up in sexy lingerie for your man, then it shouldn’t be based on how long you have been together.

Passion doesn’t always have to fade the longer you are together as a couple, but your friend was probably referring to the passion you feel in the ‘honeymoon phase’ of your relationship, typically in the first year.

I suggest you pay no attention to the rules you’re supposed to follow according to your friend and do exactly what you feel is right.

If you want to ignite the passion more, then dressing up in some nice lingerie can be a lot of fun. It’s often a good idea to keep things fresh and no doubt your boyfriend would appreciate your efforts, provided you are comfortable with it.

Q. My father won’t let me wear what all my friends wear, he even stopped me leaving them house wearing a slightly cropped top — it wasn’t a bralet or anything, it just showed a bit of skin around the belly button and all my pals, some of whom are much fatter, are wearing them.

I’m almost 16 and have a parttime job so I feel like he should be letting me cut loose a bit but he is way stricter than all other parents.

A. Your dad is simply concerned for your safety and welfare, he’s not treating you like this to be mean, you’re still his little girl and his priority is to protect you above all else. He most probably doesn’t understand about the pressures you face to be as fashionable as the rest of your girl friends and at your age, people haven’t begun to individualise as much as they do later in their teens, so you tend to all want to dress similarly.

My advice is to have a chat with him and explain that you understand his worries, but you would love to be allowed to wear what you want within reason. I can appreciate why he doesn’t want you to show too much skin, but summer clothes can often be quite skimpy.

I suggest you reach a compromise with your dad by taking his view into consideration while also letting him know how you feel.

Q. I started a new job recently determined to make friends, but I am so shy that six weeks in I barely say hello to anyone bar my two immediate colleagues. This has been my reality since early school days, I just feel like it’s safer to be the wallpaper but I get lonely a lot of the time. I really want to break the pattern but I don’t know how. If I ask colleagues to go to the cinema or for a drink after work and they say no I will be mortified, but how else can I see if we can be friends outside of work?

I made no pals at school and at 28 still live at home with my family — I have been on a few dates but men never hang around for long as they think I am weird or not interested.

A. It sounds to me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you other than suffering with very low self-esteem, which has been crippling your confidence in building relationships with others. Something may have happened to you in your early school days which has led to this behaviour, and I would guess that you were rejected at some point as a child or young teenager and this has continued to deeply affect you. It’s time to remove yourself from this damaging and restricting mindset as it’s really holding you back in life.

You’re not that person anymore. You’re a capable adult now and the best thing for you would be to face your fears and ask your colleagues out for a drink or coffee after work. It’s highly likely that they will be delighted to get to know you and to make a new friend at work, so bury your fears and just go for it.

Walk into work with a smile on your face and your head held high, focusing on looking at your colleagues in the eye rather than staring at the ground. Ask them questions about themselves and show interest in them. You can fake your confidence until you begin to really believe in it and the rest is easy.

(The Herald)

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