Thursday 27 July 2017

Ask Brian: My boyfriend is pressuring me for naked pictures - he says all his exes have and I'm a prude, what should I do?

Ask Brian: My boyfriend is pressuring me for naked pictures - he says I'm a prude and all his exes have, what should I do?
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues.

Dear Brian,

I've been dating this older guy for a while. He seems really nice and is very experienced in the bedroom. I thought the sex was great but recently he's suggested we "heat things up".

He says he wants to take explicit photos of me naked. I feel uncomfortable and when I said so he laughed and told me to "loosen up" and "stop being a prude".

He also said that "all his other girlfriends had done it". In fact, he has x rated pictures of his exes on his laptop and said he can show me them "to get me in the mood".

The whole thing makes my skin crawl but when I say this he just tells me to grow up and "stop being so conservative and Catholic".

What should I do?

Anonymous

Brian replies

Dear Anon,

Have you checked your home for hidden cameras and microphones? What's up with this guy?

The warning bells should begin ringing in any situation when you feel uncomfortable - a gut feeling is just information processed by your subconscious mind.

How does your boyfriend feel having explicit pictures of you would 'heat things up'? Does he plan on displaying them in some form of slideshow while you're intimate? With some low-rent jazz music playing in the background?

There isn't going to be sweeping piano music playing as he draws sketches of you like Jack in Titanic; it will be about as romantic as when Rose pushed Jack off the floating door in the water to save herself.

The fact that he has this (very creepy) collection of intimate photos of his exes is worrying. The fact he so freely offers to show them to you even more so.

His casual approach to the photos suggests to me he wouldn't hesitate to show them to anyone.

What possible purpose does it serve for him to take, and then keep all these pictures? Does he want to look at explicit photos of his exes while getting busy with you?

Ask Brian: I drunkenly slept with my boss, now he's been sacked and I want to break-up - what should I do?  

This 'collection' of photos of his exes he keeps like trophies is very worrying. You know who else keep trophies like this? Serial killers.

What happens if you do take these photos and then later break up? Do you want your photos to be offered up to the next woman unfortunate enough to meet him?

Say you do agree and further down the line the relationship ends badly. Say he shows the photos to his friends to "spice things up" even more. What happens then? Will you have some form of contract to ensure they're deleted?

Telling you you're being a 'conservative Catholic' because you won't take naked pictures? Just on a general point of order, has he even been to the Vatican? Naked images of flesh everywhere. It's almost offensive. So the Catholic thing has nothing to do with it.

Neither is it 'conservative' or 'prudish'.

Revenge porn is such a nasty new phenomenon and you're setting yourself up to be a victim. You should never be beholden to anyone, they should never have any leverage like that to hold over you in or out of the relationship.

Look, if it's something you're into, you're comfortable with and you trust him enough to never show the pictures to anyone - go for it. Just make sure your face is left out of the pictures so you have deniablity.

But from reading your letter I don't think you fit any of those three criteria.

And he clearly doesn't care for you or respect you enough to back off despite your protestations about being uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Tell him no definitively and see how he reacts - if he continues to try and pressure you I'd walk away.

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  with the subject 'Ask Brian' to submit in confidence.

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