Wednesday 20 September 2017

Ask Brian: I drunkenly slept with my boss, now he's been sacked and I want to break-up - what should I do?

Ask Brian: I drunkenly slept with my boss, now he's been sacked and I want to break-up - what should I do?
Ask Brian: I drunkenly slept with my boss, now he's been sacked and I want to break-up - what should I do?
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues.

Dear Brian,

Three months ago I got drunk and slept with my line manager.

It was a fun night and we went on a few dates but then he started to get really possessive and lash out at me in work. It got so awkward that he was eventually sacked. I don't want to be with him anymore but he keeps telling me I owe it to him as he's lost his job and has now had to move back in with his mother.

He tells me he loves me and I should be grateful after everything he's sacrificed but I don't feel happy.

What should I do?

Anonymous

Brian replies

Hi Anon,

This is a mess of your boyfriend's own making.

While it takes two to tango, he is responsible for his own actions and is the architect of his own downfall.  

While many partners in relationships - male or female - can become possessive, it is worrying to see he developed such issues within the early stages of the relationship. What starts out as a possessive nature can soon develop to midnight phonecalls and sending you his hair in the post.

As your manager he was in a position of authority over you, it was his responsibility to ensure professional boundaries existed in the workplace.

You don't explain how this possessiveness manifested itself in work - however for him to have been sacked over it must have meant it was on the severe end of the scale.

It wasn't a quiet word with you in the corridor, more confronting that male colleague at the urinals after he saw you exchange pleasantries with him.

He now claims you owe him because of this? The only thing you owe him is thanks for showing what a looper he is now, rather than years down the line when you might be way more committed.

He's clearly showing manipulative behavior in suggesting he's "sacrificed" anything for you. He was sacked. He didn't dramatically quit after someone said something off-colour about you in the canteen.

There wasn't a scene from the movies when he went galloping off towards the sunset on his white horse with you on his knee to a Celine Dion song.

Telling you he's "sacrificed" for you suggests he's voluntarily given up something - not been tearfully escorted off the premises by security for being a nutjob.

You say yourself you're unhappy, so don't let his emotional manipulation cloud your judgement.

You've been together three months, not 30 years. It's not like a long-term relationship or marriage going through a bad patch, where you could try to work through it. The whole relationship has been a bad patch.

End things with him, sooner rather than later. Manipulative partners will spin you into their web of nonsense the longer you stay with them.

If you choose to do it face-to-face, do it in a public place. He sounds unstable, so don't put your personal safety at risk or you could end up living in his mother's house with him in a kind of 'Misery' situation.

If you think there's a risk he might have a public meltdown, do it over the phone - or even by text. You're not ending a marriage here, you're putting a drunken mistake behind you. I don't buy the 'never break up with someone by text' thing - people should get the breakup they deserve. So do what suits you.

Don't worry too much about how it affects him - if anything it might teach him that his emotional manipulation doesn't work, and he won't try it on anyone else.

If anything, losing his job and girlfriend in such a short space of time might give him the opportunity to reevaluate his life.

His choices are his own, and while you may have played a contributing factor in them - you aren't responsible for them.

End things, and move on with your life.

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  with the subject 'Ask Brian' to submit in confidence.

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