I can do many things, but rocking RiRi's edgy style isn't one of them
Published 15/03/2013 | 09:49
THERE are some things I can do with absolute ease.
Namely; the backstroke and preppy chic.
But there are things I definitely cannot do. And rocking Urban Street wear – a la Rihanna – is one.
I'm no 'Good Girl Gone Bad'. I'm not cool enough; I don't have a gritty street sense, listen to 'sick beats' or own a pair of Timberland boots.
But I do like Rihanna's catchy pop songs and a good high-street/pop-star collaboration. So I decided to try out the Bajan beauty's River Island line to see if I could master some Rude Girl style.
But when I wandered into the store I started to have heart palpitations.
Everywhere I looked there were dungaree crop tops, baseball caps, shorter-than-short hot pants and acid yellow dresses.
Acid yellow? My skin is the same colour as feta cheese – standing next to the dresses I felt like a high vis jacket.
Oh Dear – maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I turned to the River Island staff for help, guidance and masses of reassurance.
Kind words whispered and my confidence nearly restored, I went for three different looks; Demure Rihanna, Street Rihanna and You've-Got-To-Be-Kidding-Me Rihanna.
The latter was an outrageous striped ensemble. Striped satin shorts, a matching inmate style shirt and a striped balcony bra. To finish things off we went for the highest platform shoe boots (€125) I have ever seen.
"It's definitely out there," the sales assistant told me. "But I think you look good."
I didn't look good. I looked like a pimped up version of the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Or The Hamburgler's risque younger sister.
Look number two was Urban Rihanna. I don't know many women desperately searching for a pair of double waisted, two-tone denim boyfriend jeans but if you are – RiRi has answered your prayers.
I teamed the jeans (€80) with a simple navy cropped sweatshirt (€25).
Bizarrely I quite liked this look. But I think that's mainly because it reminded me of being 14-years-old, listening to Eiffel 65 and obsessing over Buffalo trainers.
Demure Rihanna was a simple black jersey dress with a satin faux shirt tied around the waist (€95). This was my favourite look. And if I'm honest the only item in the collection I can actually see myself wearing.
Rihanna's collection is outrageous and outlandish but I'd be disappointed if it wasn't. It's garish, it's cool, and it's in your face. This is Rihanna, she's famous for writhing about in latex body suits, locking lips with Kate Moss and showing off her killer curves.
Wearing her clothes I became hideously aware of how uncool I am. I didn't know how to stand and felt totally out of place; like a baby in a strip club.
Don't get me wrong; I'll continue to admire RiRi's sense of style. But never again will I try to emulate some of that Rude Girl style.