Thursday 27 April 2017

Golden Globes: Sharpen your tongues for the red-carpet battle of the barbs

The Golden Globes takes place tonight, so we can banish our January blues by style-bashing the stars

Jennifer Lopez in 2015 Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
Jennifer Lopez in 2015 Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
Andrea Smith

Andrea Smith

Right, so we can all agree that the week just gone was a crushing bore, now that we're back in work, riddled with bugs that won't go away and at least half a stone heavier.

Fear not though, because tonight we get a chance to cast off the cloak of collective gloom, pull on our comfy sweatpants and get our national appetite for celebrity blood-letting stoked up again.

Julia Roberts won in 1990 for 'Pretty Woman'
Julia Roberts won in 1990 for 'Pretty Woman'

We had a bit of practice slagging off the Late Late on Friday, obviously, but the time has come to truly sharpen your tongues, people.

To kickstart the razzle dazzle of Tinseltown's annual awards ceremonies, the 74th Golden Globes Awards ceremony is back in town tonight, and the pickings for sneering will be rich.

While the rest of us get a few more months to hide the Christmas Quality Street pounds under layers of winter clothing, you have to feel sorry for the poor old celebs.

They'll have spent the holiday spiralising courgetti and recovering from lipo in order to fit into some over-priced dress. They'll also be tortured by vertiginous heels that will make their feet bleed.

Diane Keaton won in 2004 for 'Something's Gotta Give'
Diane Keaton won in 2004 for 'Something's Gotta Give'

It'll all be for nothing though, as rather than being dazzled by their efforts, we'll have great fun tearing their outfit choices and hairstyles to shreds. Hell, E!'s red carpet coverage even includes a 'mani-cam,' where A-listers have to humiliatingly 'walk' their fingers up a little tunnel with a camera.

We at home can chew on our own raggedy nails in peace as we cast aspersions on their choice of varnish. Despite being rich and having access to the biggest designers and best stylists in the world, it's amazing how many of our stars rock up looking like a proverbial dog's dinner.

Who can forget Lara Flynn Boyle wafting on to the red carpet in a David Cardona tutu dress in 2003? With her concave chest and knobbly knees, the Twin Peaks actress was widely deemed to be sporting a 'heroin chic' ballerina look.

Then there was Diane Keaton in 2004, who looked like Miss Havisham-gone-wrong in her trussed-up white outfit. Truly surreal and hideous.

Lara Flynn Boyle in a David Cardona tutu in 2003 Photo: REUTERS/Robert Galbraith
Lara Flynn Boyle in a David Cardona tutu in 2003 Photo: REUTERS/Robert Galbraith

If you delve further back to 1990, Julia Roberts caused our collective jaws to drop when she wore an ill-fitting man's suit to the awards.

It was less Roz Purcell at the VIP Style Awards 2014, and more Cagney and Lacey's dumpy boss, Al Waxman, on an average day. She'd have actually looked better in her Pretty Woman hooker outfit.

We may get great fun out of slagging them off, but sadly celeb style-bashing hasn't been half as satisfying since we lost dear old Joan Rivers.

Her acid tongue on E!'s Fashion Police and scathing critiques of the stars and what they were wearing were a much-needed antidote to the unbearable gushing of red carpet hosts Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic.

"Madonna is so hairy, when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit" was one of Joan's kinder barbs. "All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window" was another gem.

Speaking of Renee, the Bridget Jones's Baby star almost missed her big moment in 2001. She was nowhere to be seen when Hugh Grant announced her as the winner of Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy for Nurse Betty, so a bemused Grant started to accept the coveted gong on her behalf. The hapless Renee finally rushed on stage and breathlessly admitted that she had been in the bathroom. All she was short of was having her dress tucked into her knickers.

Mind you, Renee's frantic dash to the stage wasn't half as startling as her appearance at the Elle's Women in Hollywood event in October 2014. She showed up looking unrecognisable and suspiciously line-free and was accused of having had too much cosmetic surgery.

Luckily for her, Rivers had passed away a month before, so we were robbed of what the octogenarian would have had to say about this bizarre transformation.

It would have been good, as Joan had already opined that Zellweger was "just two eye jobs away from becoming an honorary Asian".

We also love it when the stars make a show of themselves. We all suspected Liz Taylor of over-indulging on something fizzy when she slurred her lines on stage in 2001. In her 'delicate' state, she almost announced the award winner too early .

In 2015, actor Jeremy Renner couldn't take his eyes off Jennifer Lopez's ample cleavage. "You've got the globes, too," he joked to J.Lo, as we all hid behind our hands in mortification.

Back home, we get fiercely proud of nominees who have any sort of Irish connection, no matter how tenuous. Take Ruth Negga. We didn't so much as give her a part in Fair City while she lived here and she's been based in London for the past 10 years.

Now that she's hit the big time with her best actress nomination for Mildred in Loving, we're all suddenly in love with Ruth and tripping over ourselves to stick her photo on our magazine covers.

It will be a huge boost to our national pride if she sees off those pesky other nominees, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain, Natalie Portman and Isabelle Huppert, seeing as Saoirse Ronan was robbed for Brooklyn last year by that wagon Brie Larson.

You never know - if she doesn't let us down by wearing a frocky horror show, RTE might even consider giving Ruth a job in McCoy's Bar.

Sunday Independent

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