People are talking: Kontemplating Kris
Usually the possibility of a sex tape has the world rushing to Google search as fast as its collective fingers can type. But with Kris Jenner, who is supposedly following in the footsteps of her most famous daughter, an exception must surely be made. Not on grounds of age - we have a world of respect for dyed hair - and not even on grounds of Kris being faintly reptilian. But we've already seen enough Kardashian flesh to last us several lifetimes. Kris would want to have something seriously different - a fetching 1970s bush perhaps - to shake us awake.
The tape was supposedly made with her late ex-husband Robert Kardashian so some retro foliage might still be a possibility. What's unlikely, however, is that Kris would be able to follow Kim in parlaying an on-camera blowjob into a delightful range of home furnishings. Pulling yourself up by your bra straps only works if you're not quite famous yet. Once you've made it to the extent that Kris already has, letting footage of your nocturnal antics into the public domain just seems careless. And that's not a word that could ever be associated with the momager.
Still, the Ab Fab movie is out this year, so acting like a bigger teenager than your kids is huge for 2016. And perhaps if the latest episode of Kardashian naughtiness does reach Google, we'll see Kris teaching the younger generation a thing or two.
Water fudge upsets our Berlin friends
By Pat Fitzpatrick
Guten tag Ireland. It has come to our attention here in Berlin that you are on the verge of forming a government. Excellent.
The illusion that you are somehow in charge of your own affairs is good for everyone involved. We also note you are planning to suspend water charges for a few years. We have a word for this in German. It is called Nein! Suspending the charges is verboten under Article 9 of the Water Framework Directive, which states you should have had a usage-based charge in place since 2010. Now we will be forced to issue threats and fine your freckled asses for this impertinence. We will probably get some EU lackey from Sweden to make these threats, but everyone will know it is us.
Worse again, we note that people who didn't pay any water bill are €100 up because they got something called the conservation grant. This is so bizarre that even we Germans don't have a word for it. As for your idea to form a commission to 'look' at the issue. We told Chancellor Merkel and she started crying. We thought the Greeks were tricky. But it is fair to say that they have nothing on you.
Normal service has now resumed
By Eilis O'Hanlon
There were street parties across the country last week as talks between Fine Gael and Fianna Fail finally came to a head. It was like Italia '90 all over again. Not.
Well, what do politicians want for doing their jobs - a badge?
Now attention turns to the really big question: will the new minority government prove to have been worth the wait? Let's accentuate the positives.
One: At least it's not Donald Trump. Two: At least it's not Boris Johnson. Three: At least it's not that far right chappie who's just won an election in Austria. Four: At least it's not… (insert name of another peculiar foreigner).Five: A FG/FF pact means there won't be another election for a while, especially with new research apparently showing that the Irish have the longest lasting marriages in Europe. Though try telling that to Sinead O'Connor. Six: It will give folk who demanded the two main parties do a deal something to moan about as they now set about predicting it'll all end in tears. Normal service has been resumed.
By Christopher Jackson
It was revealed recently that in 2004 Senator Ted Cruz, then Texas Solicitor General, defended a ban on sex toys, arguing that people don't have the right to 'stimulate their genitals'. It's a revelation that's sure to have gone down poorly.
Of the many things most Republicans oppose, masturbation is usually not one of them.
Donald Trump, no stranger to self-love, surely doesn't oppose it. I mean what else is he meant to do when he thinks of himself at night. Trump, much more so than Cruz, opposes things many Republicans get fired up about, like Muslims, Mexicans, uppity blacks and, as Trump as shown time and again, women who talk back.
Previously Trump, now the presumptive Republican nominee, didn't have much trouble dealing with such women. He either fired, divorced or, as was the case with Fox News's Megyn Kelly, insulted and ignored them. But in Hilary Clinton he'll face a woman too far. She will undoubtedly crush him in November. Although at least he can take solace that under Clinton, unlike Cruz, he'll still have the right to find some self-comfort in defeat.
Beyonce's Broken Heart
By Anne Marie Scanlon
Depending on which track on Beyonce's new album Lemonade you play backwards, you will hear the words "Paul is dead," "I am the walrus," and "a certain person, far be it from me to mention any names, is a big cheat and broke my heart, and I'm mad as hell, especially about that Becky madam".
Who is this Becky who was allegedly hooking up with Bey's man behind her back? And who knew that 'Becky' is actually a derogatory word for white women? One thing Jay Z and B know is how to make a bob or two. Cynics might say the controversy is being generated to shift units - the tills are certainly ringing.
Whatever the realities of their marriage, it is a truth universally acknowledged that heartbreak sells, especially if it's a woman singing about it. Adele, Amy, Aretha, Patsy - they loved, lost and made a mint. Why not Bey? And her fella.