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Thursday 2 October 2014

Joan Rivers: her best one-liners

Published 04/09/2014 | 21:57

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File photo dated 12/11/2008 of US actors and comedians Joan Rivers and Robin Williams backstage at the Wimbledon Theatre, London, after a charity performance in aid of the Prince's Trust charity, as the comedian has died in hospital in New York, her daughter Melissa said
File photo dated 12/11/2008 of US actors and comedians Joan Rivers and Robin Williams backstage at the Wimbledon Theatre, London, after a charity performance in aid of the Prince's Trust charity, as the comedian has died in hospital in New York, her daughter Melissa said

Joan Rivers has died after she had been put into a medically-induced coma last Thursday. The acerbic comedienne suffered a heart attack during a routine throat operation.

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Here we’ve rounded up some of her funniest and cruellest one-liners...

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio”

 

"I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked"

 

“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly”

 

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds"

 

"I don't exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor"

 

“At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass”

 

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on”

 

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police”

 

“All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window”

 

“Joan Collins told a reporter that she hadn’t had plastic surgery; come on… she’s had more tucks than a motel bed sheet”

 

“She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends”

 

“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress”

 

“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, 'Pick up, I know you’re there'”

 

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware"

 

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, 'Get the hell off my property'"

 

"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day"

 

"Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller"

 

"I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry"

 

"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it is missing and what's there stinks"

 

"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark"

 

"I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything'"

 

"Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty"

 

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television"

 

"No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card"

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