Saturday 29 July 2017

A definitive ranking of male RTE presenters' hair - who is top of the mops?

Des Cahill, Eoghan McDermott and Marty Whelan
Des Cahill, Eoghan McDermott and Marty Whelan
Des Cahill with dance partner Karen Byrne on Dancing with the Stars. Photo: Kyran O'Brien
Mane man: Des Cahill and Karen Byrne during rehersals for Dancing With The Stars. Photo: Steve Humphreys
Bryan Dobson
Marty Morrissey. Photo: Steve Humphreys
Marty Whelan.
Ray D'Arcy hosts the RTÉ show Photo: Steve Humphreys
Eamon Dunphy at the Freedom of Dublin Charity Fashion Show in Citywest Hotel in Dublin. Picture: Arthur Carron
Kirsty Blake Knox

Kirsty Blake Knox

We need to talk about Des Cahill’s hair.

I’ve been fascinated by it for the past few weeks; the intensity of colour, the thickness, the curls.

The way it remains set fast as he stomps about the dance floor.

Side note: stomping is one of Des’s signature moves on Dancing with the Stars.

It really is something to behold.

Watching Des I’ve come to the conclusion that male RTÉ presenters are contractually obliged to have one of six definitive hairstyles.

That’s it — six. No more, no less.

It might seem somewhat reductive to judge these men on their hair rather than their presenting — or samba — skills.

But as it stands there have been a lot more articles written about Claire Byrne’s lob than Charlie Bird’s salt ’n’ pepper ’do — so, in the name of gender parity, I will forge ahead.

1. The 'Just For Men'

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Marty Morrissey. Photo: Steve Humphreys
 

Favoured by Des Cahill, Marty Morrissey and David Davin-Power. These three gents must all go to the same chap.

Hair with such intensity of colour that it looks like a black lamb’s fleece on an astrakhan coat.

While the hair retains an inky hue — other areas of the head (side burns/eyebrows) are tinged with grey. Curious.

2. The 'This-Took-More-Time-Than-You-Think'

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Bryan Dobson
 

This is well-cut and carefully coiffed hair, but not overly styled. It’s predictable and it’s safe; at worst, it is a bit dull. At best it’s a classic.

Advocates include Ryan Tubridy, Bryan Dobson and Gay Byrne.

3. The 'This-Took-Less-Time-Than-You-Think'

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Eamon Dunphy at the Freedom of Dublin Charity Fashion Show in Citywest Hotel in Dublin. Picture: Arthur Carron
 

The look is artfully uncouth and carefully unkempt. Much like his hairline, you don’t know what direction this man is going to go. He’s a wild card.

See — Tommy Tiernan and Eamon Dunphy.

4. The 'I’m cool and hip! Just look at my quiff!'

Suicide Squad premiere 48.jpg
Eoghan McDermott at the Irish premiere of theSuicide Squad at The Savoy Cinema, O'Connell Street, Dublin. Picture: Brian McEvoy
 

Favoured by Eoghan McDermott, Stephen Byrne and Nicky Byrne.

This is serious hair. It cost more than €50 and was cut by a ‘Senior Style Executive’ in a salon with leatherette

massage chairs. It requires seven different types of holding clay to stay in place.

Needless to say, this man is high maintenance.

He probably (read: definitely) bleaches his teeth, waxes his chest and cries silent, heavy tears as his youth gradually slips away.

5. The 'I’m Bald'

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Ray D'Arcy hosts the RTÉ show Photo: Steve Humphreys
 

This man’s hair is now a distant memory.

He’s accepted the loss, and is even proud of his slap head.

Example — Ray D’Arcy

6. The 'I Used to Be Bald Until I Got a Hair Transplant in the Blackrock Clinic'

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Marty Whelan.
 

Marty Whelan, top marks for being so open about the procedure.

For that, sir, you have earned my eternal respect.

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