10 reasons why parents are superheroes for hosting kids' parties
Published 10/07/2015 | 09:38
If you choose to host a kids party - there's little doubt that you should be labelled a 'superhero'.
I love birthdays - what’s not to like?
A whole day where the attention is firmly on you and presents galore come flooding in from people you’ve spent 364 days avoiding. Not to mention, the heavenly mountains of cake that lay waiting to be scoffed, providing you with an excuse to enjoy a sugary rush for breakfast, lunch and dinner. A day where you can be guilt-free from lounging around the house and refusing to do anything - yes anything, and that includes dressing (hello The Wire, seasons 1 through 4).
The only time I don’t like birthdays is when they are for other people. And yes, that includes my own offspring. If anything, I should be celebrated for popping that little bundle of hourly-pooping joy out.
This may sound dramatic but you don’t know maaaaaan, you weren’t there. Here’s a little insight into a typical kids birthday party:
1. The Sugar Rush
Sure, as if this day isn’t going to be horrendous enough. How about we pour two litres of Fanta into the mouths of the soon-to-be demons and let them terrorise your house. And to be fair, I just went to IKEA and I’m damned if you’re spilling some glucose-fizzy-mess on my new carpet - like c’mon!
2. Kiddy Math
Ok, let’s think about this: we’ve got 8 kids plus 3 parents minus a half portion (Kelly is on a diet) multiplied by finger food and treats minus dessert (utter disaster last year) - so that’s, let me see …. “Hello, Paulo’s Pizza? Can I have 4 ‘Meat Feast Meal Deals’ please?”. Phew, that was rough. Oh wait, what about Oisin, he’s gluten intolerant! Arrrrghhhhhh…
"Oh thank you, you shouldn’t have” - No seriously, you shouldn’t have. That’s all I need, a mini drum kit because hearing a toddler bash along Nicky Minaj at 7am is exactly what I want in my life. We don’t need any presents - oh, well, maybe a pamper package or a Spa day - my wee 3-year old fella would REALLY appreciate that.
4. Crisis control
You’ve got to be quick to react to any potential disasters. You’ve never seen a meltdown quite like when anyone but the birthday girl/boy gets to blow out the candle. FYI: It’s definitely not funny when you do it - that will not end well for you.
5. The Early Birds
When I said 3.30pm, I meant 3.30pm. Showing up at 1pm, dropping your kids off while I’m still trying to do kiddy math (see No. 2), dressed in my 8-year old PJ’s that I CERTAINLY did not want you to see me in is not cool. Wars have been started for less.
When’s the last time you tried blowing up 100 balloons? I swear to God, there should be some special training or bootcamp for this.
“Are you serious? You want to invite 32 kids. I don’t even have 3 real friends anymore and you have 32 - are we planning a wedding here?”. Maybe it’s me, maybe my kid is just uber cool, I can’t fight against that, I mean, it is my child and I’m pretty damn cool, right? Ok ok, back to the kiddy math - “32 kids plus 3 parents …….“
8. Fun Times
Ok, let’s get this straight, I’m not dressing up as a clown, or at least I can’t now because you dropped your kid off at 1pm. But entertainment is pretty important - it’s either hiring entertainment (i.e - Dad dressed as a Unicorn, and yes that was my Halloween costume 3 years ago) or you could slap on the Frozen DVD (“Let it goooooooo, let it gooooooooooooooo” - ear plugs advised).
9. Party Bags
Let’s get this straight, this IS a direct battle with Linda who totally went all out with her party bags 6 weeks ago. Lindt chocolate with personalised wrappers? For 3 year olds? Awww Linda, you’re killing me here.
10. The Clean Up
It’s going to take some time. You may need some time off to recover from all the emotional and physical trauma you’ve been put through. Or you know, hire some help.
So there you have it, if you don’t get an invitation to my kid’s birthday this year, it’s probably a good thing.
Of course, there are some birthday parties I'm just itching to get an invite to. A perfect example of that is GrabOne - they're celebrating their 4th Birthday this week by showering their site with the best offers from the best businesses.
There’s anything from boat cruises, family trips away, tempting meals for two - all to get you in the birthday mood - the perfect reward for superhero parents.
GrabOne - Our birthday, your presents!