WINTER OLYMPICS: Blizzards of odd for Olympians in lycra
Friday February 10 2006
Cliona Foley ONE of Germany's skating coaches has just been exposed as an ex-Stasi agent.
An American skeleton trainer is out for patting his charges' bottoms rather too enthusiastically and another top US competitor has escaped a doping ban because of his baldness cream.
Winter Olympics? What's not to love.
Few of today's odiously sanitized global sporting events feature as many spills, prat-falls, cock-ups and dirty tricks.
Last time out in 2002, the cross-country events in Salt Lake City were decimated by doping, 'Skategate' exposed the fixed judging and the British women's curlers shocked everyone in a sport that appears to be a form of arctic housework.
Snowsports are so precarious that favourites are no certainty and there's little to beat the theatrical appeal of this mad amalgam of life-endangering disciplines and unflattering lycra clothing.
The glorious Alpine backdrop this time is the Turin region between February 10-26.
There's phenomenal athleticism and fearlessness from sliders, skiers, jumpers and skaters while others, like snowboard cross, look so much like the Wacky Races that you'll be tempted to enlist.
Anything can happen, like the 2002 speedskating incident which saw an Australian nip past all his fallen opponents to take gold, an incident now enshrined in Ozzie vernacular as 'doing a (Stephen) Bradbury'.
Watch out for irresistible characters like the German luge legend George Hackl, aka 'The Speeding Sausage', and Bode Miller, America's brilliant but off-the-wall skier who recently wondered why EPO couldn't be legalised and admitted to racing while "wasted."
Search party
Add in the inevitable cast of plucky outsiders from non-Alpine countries like the 1988 Jamaican bobsledders or the '88 Mexican cross-country skier for whom a search party was summoned.
An honorable mention must go to our own 'sliding peer', Lord Clifton Hugh Lancelot de Verdin Wrottesley, who left us all slack-jawed by finishing fourth in the 2002 skeleton.
He's now Chef de Mission for Ireland's eclectic team of four debutants; two skiers, one skeleton racer and a cross-country skier from Cork. Medals? Not a hope. But they've battled hard to qualify and wear the tricolour proudly so pull up the couch, unearth the fondue set and tune in, especially for these events.
* Kirsty McGarry (Dublin): Feb 15, Downhill. Feb 19, Super G. Feb 22, Giant Slalom.
* Thos Foley (Kenmare): Feb 18 Super G. Feb 20 Giant Slalom.
* David Connolly (Wicklow): Feb 17 Skeleton.
* Rory Morrish (Cork): Feb 17 15km Cross-country.
Yep, it's Winter Olympics time and after wall-to-wall coverage on Eurosport and 100 hours of live BBC action you could be sweeping your kitchen floor like an Olympic athlete.
Beginners' guide to snow code PARABOLICS: Skis with revolutionary hour-glass shape that make turning easier. Also known as carvers, they can turn any bog-standard skier into a slalomer but former Olympic champion Jean-Claude Killy is now blaming them for causing serious knee injuries in the pro game.
TRIPLE LUTZ (skating): A rotating jump where you take off on one foot and land on the other. The key thing is to take off on the inside edge of your back foot which is the hardest thing to do when your balancing on a couple of millimetres of steel on solid ice.
McTWIST (Snowboarding): An aerial manoeuvre when the boarder performs a 540 degree rotation off the top of the half-pipe ramp while grabbing the side of his board and twisting momentarily, usually when they're upside-down.
CRUD: Snow of variable consistency due to changing temperatures and snowfall, usually hard crust over soft snow. A nightmare for speed skiers and worse than messy mounds of soft snow which mogulers called 'mashed potatoes'.
LUGE: A one-person sled when the slider is on his back, feet first, at speeds of 80mph. That's compared to the newer sport of 'skeleton' where the competitor is prone and head first at speeds of 80mph. Luge is actually the french word for tobogganing. Anyone who tries either favours another french word: merdre!
