The 10-step guide to getting on the Ipswich bandwagon
Monday April 27 2009
FOR those who never met a Roy Keane bandwagon which they didn't want to climb aboard, Saturday represented the first day of the rest of their lives. The symmetry of a 3-0 defeat for Sunderland against the worst team in the Premier League and a 3-0 victory for Ipswich Town leaves these people under no illusions where their loyalties should lie next season.
But, in case they are worried about how their ship-jumping will be perceived, here's a 10-step guide to changing spots from Black Cat to Tractor Boy.
1 TONIGHT provides the perfect opportunity to begin a hatred of Norwich City, Ipswich's biggest rivals, when they play Reading. If anybody wonders about the sudden dislike of a team you've never mentioned before, point out the number of Irish players Reading have on their books and insist you are merely being patriotic.
If Reading win, Norwich are on the brink of relegation which means there will be no East Anglian derby match next season -- a rivalry which is as bitter as any in football. Or in East Anglia at least.
2 NO more Delia Smith recipes allowed. Her oven-baked pork chops in maple barbecue sauce might be delicious and, we are assured, easy to make, but her position on the board at Norwich means no recipe she has concocted can now pass your lips for fear of being outed by fellow Ipswich supporters who will never let you live it down.
3 FAMILIARISE yourself with names of tractors as some reference to them reaping a rich harvest or making hay will be used for every Ipswich victory which, now that Keane is manager, must be recorded in detail by every Irish newspaper. Such knowledge will help you understand why the double signing of Wycombe defender Alan Massey and Rangers captain Barry Ferguson will be hailed as one of the great moments of football marketing.
4 SEE the next act of 'I, Keano', in which Burleyus returns to tell our hero that he can not be a success at the club until he gets them to Europe. Keano lands the killer blow by reminding Burleyus that many of his soldiers, especially Finidi George, are responsible for having the club where it is today. Burleyus is slain and Keano is anointed by the ghosts of Ipswich past, Robsonus and Ramseyus.
5 BE aghast if Owen Garvan, Jon Douglas, Alex Bruce, David Norris and Alan Quinn aren't in the next Ireland squad. Take the anger you felt previously when Liam Miller wasn't in the international set-up and, instead, switch it to these players. Like Miller, you don't have to have seen them play, but if they are good enough for Keane they should surely be good enough for an international team. In a frightening prospect, you will find somebody to agree with the sentiment.
6 DEVELOP an interest in next season's Europa League. The UEFA Cup may have become the Carling Cup of European football but, in its new name next season, you can remind people that the team you now support once won the competition in 1981. You can then join supporters of Aston Villa and Nottingham Forest in lamenting how a 'small town club' will never win anything in Europe again.
7 REMIND people that it wasn't Pele, Bobby Moore, Sylvester Stallone or Michael Caine that made the team in 'Escape to Victory' so great. It was instead the backbone of the Ipswich team which included John Wark, Russell Osman and Kevin Beattie that couldn't be broken by the Germans. In the type of spirit which Keane will demand, the prisoners of war team had the chance to escape at half-time only to be discouraged by Osman who urges them to win the match first.
8 GROW a John Wark-perm. As well as over 400 games for Ipswich and goals in both legs of the UEFA Cup final, Wark also possessed one of the finest hair-cuts in the Pantheon of Perms which invaded football in the '70s. Such a style will convince the doubters that you have been a fan for life.
9 DELIGHT in Sunderland's struggles even if it means never wearing those two Sunderland jerseys in your wardrobe ever again. When Keane left they had 15 points in as many games; they now have 35 points from 34 games and may well be playing Ipswich next season if the slump continues. Blame the American owner.
10 YOU will text, call, write a letter or email anybody who dares to criticise your new club or its manager knowing that, if they are promoted next season, you will have the moral high ground. Just remember to look at the red and white jerseys in the wardrobe before rushing to buy Ipswich replica shirts when they make it to the Premier League.
Look what happened last time.
