Thomas Muller lined up to replace Robin van Persie at Old Trafford
Thomas Muller! To Manchester United! Get in the sea, the Daily Star, you are drunk.
OR ARE YOU? Everyone's favourite redtop of last resort is reporting that United are ready to step up their pursuit of Muller in a move that would make life worth living again. Or at least make next season's Premier League a whole lot more interesting after last year's dullfest.
Because of Robin Van Persie's imminent move to Fenerbahce and the exit of half-remembered anxiety dream Radamel Falcao to Chelsea, United are looking a bit light on players who do the whole goal thing.
Thomas Muller, off of the World Cup, might be the bright young German to solve all that. United chief executive Ewar Woowar, who tragically lost his "D"s last week, is aware that Bayern Munich would be reluctant to sell a man who's as good at football as Muller.
Woowar, bless 'im, is still confident a deal can be done and is excitedly preparing a £60m bid. We will just see about that. We suspect it'll need several bells and ideally a whistle or two attached to cause more than a wry rise of the eyebrow from Pep Guardiola's stylist.
For what it's worth, The Sun says that Van Persie feels as if he has been "betrayed" by Manchester United and Louis Van Gaal which some might say is a form of karmic... in fact, let's just leave this picture here and be done with it:
Our favourite German export behind Dustin Brown, Thomas Muller and the Kompakt label is of course Bild. It is saying that United have now formalised their interest in Bastian Schweinsteiger.
A bid has been made, and United are prepared to pay the midfielder £7m for a couple of years which, in any normal world, would be more than enough.
Indeed even in football it might be. Schweinsteiger is reportedly flattered by United's interest.
Look at that, he's delighted.
In a turn of events best described as "WHY?" the Mail says that several clubs are apparently interested in signing Chicarito, or, as his name translates in Spanish: Javier Hernandez.
West Ham, Sevilla and the mighty Orlando City are all interested in the Mexican, whose special skills include tap-ins, being frequently injured and celebrating REALLY HARD when perhaps he shouldn't:
Also from the realm of the weird is the news in todays' Express that United fancy Diafra Sakho from West Ham to come and score eight goals for them next season.
They're willing to pay £15m for the Senegalese striker. In theory. If several dozen other things go wrong, in order, first.
Finally, what about Pedro? I mean... sure! Why not?
It's mostly been Liverpool with a sprinkling of Arsenal linked with a move for Barcelona's perennial substitute, but the Metro reckons United have now joined the race to the tune of £20m.
Can you join a race to the tune of a financial amount? Who knows. But it's the transfer rumour, and some weird things happen to grammar. Leave it.