Living on dark side of the moon
Sometimes, when the moon is full, people go mad. There are those who maintain people go even madder when the moon is waxing. Just in case there's a Leinster player reading, let us explain this waxing is not the removal of body hair by attaching adhesive strips and then pulling same off violently. This waxing is the term used to describe the moon on the latter stages of its lunar journey.
Last Tuesday, the day before the full moon, Milan midfielder Gennaro Gattuso turned lunatic against Spurs in the Champions League. Gattuso went barking mad but it wasn't his fault. He howled at the moon and the moon wisely hid behind a cloud.
We have written here before about the influence of the moon on the divergence and confluence of the little seas of the brain. Our hypothesis was strengthened by Gattuso. If the moon can move the oceans, it can surely shift the liquids in the sconce.
Gattuso slapped Joe Jordan. A slap is it? The bishops dish out harder slaps at Confirmation time.
By now you might have gathered we see absolutely no reason to punish Gattuso. He is guilty but insane. Ah but feck, I kinda like him. Every team should have one. Who would you prefer? Gattuso, or some young pimply pup looking out at us haughtily from the booster seat of his poxy Ferrari?
There were allegations of provocation against Jordan, who like most ex-players wishes he was still playing. It's called active retirement.
Ferocious Joe starred for Leeds, Man Utd and Milan. Joe left his front teeth soaking in the tea mug while he was out playing and the gapped smile of a decommissioned vampire added to the aura of the warrior. Jordan was a hard man. John Giles, a tough boy in his day, advised Gattuso not to mess with Big Joe. Ah Gilesy. Come on, stick to the football. Joe Jordan is nearly the three score. Gattuso is a snarling young bulldog with barbed-wire braces.
Not even George Foreman could fight when he was 60 and took to inventing grills. 'Ireland's Own' told us George has five sons. So? But they are all called George. Very handy, if you have a bad head for names.
Dunphy is the only Eamon among his siblings, which is just as well for health and safety reasons, and he is deadly at the tracing. Eamon told us Gattuso's missus was from Scotland.
Gattuso headbutted Jordan just after full-time. This was an even more spectacular feat of acrobatic ingenuity than Wayne Rooney's overhead kick against Man City. Gattuso is a foot smaller than Big Joe, in Gilesy's eyes anyway.
Joe was accused of winding up Gattuso. Gilesy told us Joe speaks Italian. But why would Joe goad in Italian? Gattuso surely must have picked up some English in Scotland even if it was the 'och aye' variety of Robbie Burns malarkey which to the foreign ear sounds like a man speaking through a gumboil the size of a duck egg. We cannot lip-read, even in English, so this investigative reporter is unable to tell you exactly what Joe allegedly said to Gattuso.
We all know how passionate the Italians are about their food. Maybe Joe said something along the lines of: "Hey Gattuso, your mammy's pasta sauce tastes like dog's vomit." He didn't.
Then whack. Gattuso gives Joe a Glasgow kiss, which is another expression for a headbutt. Gattuso used to play for Rangers, a far worse crime than a slap of a nut. Dunphy implied that because Mrs Gattuso was from Scotland, her husband would know all about headbutting.
Gilesy rebuked Dunphy, who wasn't really guilty of proper racism and was also obviously touched by the moon. It was more of a joke, like Billy Connolly saying Glasgow is the only city in the world where the Alsatians go around in pairs. Everyone in the public eye is running scared after Andy Gray was fired.
Now the poor boy is about to get banned for ages. Gattuso, that is.
Jordan walked away free. He is a disgrace to his profession. The Scot has let his fellow pros down by not following their code of practice. Joe didn't dive when Gattuso headbutted him. I have seen players tumble in the crossfire from a man blowing on his tea. Nice one Joe. Respect.
Thus far we may well have insulted mad people, Leinster people, Scottish people, Italian people, small people, divers, the Foreman family, gay soccer players, Rangers people, the Mayor of Glasgow, mothers, wives, Italian cooking, the Irish conference of bishops, Ferrari, Burns fans and 60-year-olds. Michael Martin had to apologise last week for imitating a Chinese accent.
It sounded like a sort of Lithuanian-Douglas brogue to me. Martin hasn't a racist bone in his body but he still had to apologise.
This week Glenn Hoddle also sent a mea culpa when he compared a Torres miskick to the actions of cumbersome Chinese striker 'Knee Shin Toe'. The English can be very xenophobic. And who wrote the famous Chinese book 'Spots on the Wall'? Hoo Flung Dung, that's who.
I'm not apologising to the Chinese or anyone else. This was mostly written the day after Gattuso went nuts -- the day of the full moon. My head was as rudderless as a rubber duck in a Force 10. But Gattuso has to face the missus. I hope someone shows her this explanation for her husband's erratic behaviour in the San Siro last Tuesday.
And we hope the same someone will explain that Eamon Dunphy is entitled to his say, even if it is unfair to the Glaswegians -- the Celtic side that is, it being a well known fact all Rangers fans are Protestants and on the teachings of no more than a generation ago will therefore definitely go to hell when they die, even if they are good.
Add Chinese people, Protestant people, old dogma Catholics, the suburb of Douglas, Lithuanians, the English, disorientated Spanish strikers and feminists who hate the wife being called missus to the list.