0900hrs: Brian Cowen tears into the French at the European summit.

"J"accuse Sarkozy, Platini, Bruni and Henry of cheating."

Sarkozy is livid.

"You have some cheek looking for a replay after what Offaly did to Kerry in 1982 when Seamus Darby pushed Tommy Doyle in the back. And any road," continues the French PM and GAA historian, "Henry's leger de main was no more than a gentle cupping of the classical form of the rotund buttock cheek of a beautiful woman."

Cowen bristled. "Where I come from one pat on the arse might be an accident, but two is deliberate," in a pointed reference to Henrys double tap.

Then Sarkozy plays dirty.

"If you did win the IMF would take over your economy as you would spend all the money in South Africa."

Cowen retorts with "get up the yard you little runt." Sarkozy, who suffers from small man syndrome, whispers to an aide.

0919: The French Navy leaves Brest for the south West Coast of Ireland.

0928: Mary Coughlan calls the Taoiseach. "Either the French are trying to scare us or we won't have a mackerel left, so why not start a war against France?

"The Bushes did it in America when they fecked up the economy and they surged in the polls. A war will take peoples' minds off their troubles."

Cowen says he will have a think about it.

Meanwhile, we ban Cuisine De France even though its made in Ireland and the French ban Hennessy brandy even though it's made in France.

0930: Henry Street is changed to Via Trapattoni, which causes no end of confusion to the men who deliver smuggled cigarettes.

0933: Ireland bans condoms. As a thank you, the Pope excommunicates yet another Henry.

0959: The sanctions get more extreme. Micheál Martin sponsors an EU ban on smoking. The Irish know the French will go crazy without the fags. "In France," says Martin, "passive smoking is when you puff 50 a day."

1100: Willie O'Dea, who couldn't even beat three or four families in Limerick, is our Minister for Defence and he informs the Taoiseach that we have no money for guns.

Cowen goes back to 1916 for a solution. "Give 'em hurls," he says, "and conscript the Portumna and Athenry boys."

1115: The already tense situation escalates. A group of Irish partisans, who missed the plane home, make history on two counts.

Firstly they become the first Irish supporters ever to visit an art gallery and secondly they paint a moustache on the Mona Lisa.

1223: Galway is washed away and Ireland is reduced to 31 counties, but no one notices as there are more pressing matters on the agenda.

1251: The War Cabinet meets in Doheny and Nesbits. The options are weighed up. The French have a miserable record when it comes to resisting invasions, but they have a huge army.

The Taoiseach is defiant. "The Maginot Line," he says "is even more brittle than the Dublin defence."

Willie O'Dea suggests we break off diplomatic relations with Switzerland as Sepp Blatter, the head of FIFA is a Swiss.

1252: We close down our embassy in Berne. Switzerland apologises.

1253: The French navy fails to land in Bantry due to storms. In a repeat of 1796, the sailors get seasick and they head off for oceans where there are no waves.

1255: John Delaney challenges Domenech to a duel. Derry City join the French Foreign Legion.

1257: Martin Cullen is put in charge of the Air Force as he has the most experience of flying.

French really-cheap wine companies go bust when the Irish cancel mobile home holidays in Brittany and the Vendee. Henry Shefflin changes his name by deed poll.

12 58: Willie suggests we declare war on Sweden while we're at it "because the ref is from there."

1259: One hundred and three Abba tribute bands are interned without trial.

1300: Ireland officially declares war on France.

"We will fight them on the beaches and in the bogs," declares Brian Cowen.

Willie shoots in with "but we have no bullets."

"I have a plan", volunteers the Tánaiste.

"That makes a change," interjects Brian Lenihan, who loves garlic and is a secret Francophile.

"Shut up you outa that," barks an irate Cowen.

"Go on Mary."

"Well we could have a bloodless war. Like, we could get our soldiers to shout 'bang' and roar 'gotch ya'.

"And then the French would have to pretend they were shot."

The strategy was rejected as it was felt the French were cheats and would never admit to getting shot.

1500 Brian Kerr marches up O'Connell Street at the head of a Faroes Battalion. The small and badly blackguarded countries of the world back us to the hilt. Luxembourg bans escargots and Bjorn Borg. Malta, Cyprus, Easter Island, Honduras and Liechtenstein mobilise.

1501: France capitulates. It's the greatest war bluff since The Bay of Pigs.

1502: The replay is fixed for O'Connor Park, Tullamore -- when the weather clears up a bit.

Irish Independent