Tuesday 25 October 2016

So who's Sarrie now?

Eamonn Sweeney

Published 31/01/2016 | 17:00

Earls (p) is signing a new contract with Munster Photo: Sportsfile
Earls (p) is signing a new contract with Munster Photo: Sportsfile

Come here to me. Closer. This is a pretty dramatic revelation and I don't want everyone to hear about it. You see, I've developed psychic powers. Seriously. Psychic powers like some guy off a Sky One series.

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I discovered them last week. There I was looking at a story about how Keith Earls was on the verge of joining Saracens and suddenly the thought came into my head that soon afterwards I would be reading a story about how he had decided to stay with Munster instead. How could this be? It was the very opposite of what was being reported. So I put it to the back of my mind and thought no more of it.

Then the next day I saw the papers and there it was, the story about Earls signing a new contract with Munster which I had foretold. As you can appreciate, this was a pretty astounding moment for me. I'm excited about my new powers but there's also a certain degree of trepidation involved. With great power comes great responsibility and all that.

A friend of mine says that I don't have psychic powers at all. He claims that hardly anyone believed the Earls story.

Not because they could see into the future, but because they could see into the past and remembered that last year there was story after story about how Seán O'Brien was going to join Toulon and then he joined Leinster. Your man says lots of people saw that one coming as well. You didn't have to be psychic, he says.

Ah well, you'll always have the begrudgers. I'm sticking with my psychic powers explanation. How else could I have known that there was no more chance of Keith Earls joining Saracens than of a black actor winning an award at this year's Oscars? How else could I have possibly known? It was in the papers and everything.

I'll tell you something else. Don't watch Sky on Transfer Deadline day. You'll only end up hating yourself and, when you're finally lying on your death bed, resenting those lost hours more than any others in your life. If you want to watch unhappy middle-aged men with lost expressions on their faces standing in cold car parks, it's much easier to go to your local shopping centre.

I didn't even need my psychic powers for that one.

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