I n the interests of transparency I suppose I should begin by declaring up front that I am a man. And, as the woman said, I have my needs.

Last week, however, I discovered I had another need, which in truth wasn't great news because I had enough of them to be going on with already.

But it cannot be gainsaid that Mr Justice Adrian Hardiman of the Supreme Court struck a blow for men everywhere when he declared we had a need to play golf. In 1791, Thomas Paine published The Rights of Man. Last Tuesday's ruling will go down in history as another landmark moment in that great crusade.

More immediately, it brought to an end a seven-year campaign of harassment against Portmarnock Golf Club. PGC had fought heroically against the modern tide, insisting on its right to remain a club of the men, for the men, by the men. And finally, at last, three knights in shining armour, in the shape of three judges of the Supreme Court, came to its rescue.

It was a victory for the small man. Arraigned against him were forces vastly superior in strength and number. These included, said the judicious judge, "the political establishment, the great and good in government, the media, the quangos." And still Portmarnock refused to bend the knee.

The quango in question was that latter day Inquisition, the Equality Authority. They came after PGC with their piety in one hand and a copy of the Equal Status Act in the other. They would not rest until a particular caste of society, known popularly as women, was accorded full membership rights by Portmarnock.

After years of running feuds, the final confrontation took place in the highest court in the land. And it was here that a seemingly harmless leisure pursuit became an unwitting pawn in the eternal battle of the sexes.

Portmarnock, beleaguered on all sides, was by now clinging to the mast that is section 9 of the Equal Status Act. Section 9 permits single-gender and other clubs if their "principal purpose is to cater only for the needs of a particular gender (or religion, sexual orientation, etc)." Those busybodies at the Equality Authority argued that the principal purpose of PGC was to cater not for men, but for those who like to play golf. And seeing that golf is played by both genders -- maybe even by those who are transgendered -- it could hardly be argued that golf was an exclusively male pursuit.

Two judges concurred. Mr Justice Nial 'one l' Fennelly said it was "preposterous, unreal and implausible" for the club to contend that its principal purpose is other than playing golf.

"Portmarnock Golf Club," said Mrs Justice Susan Denham, "is exactly what its name says -- a golf club in Portmarnock." There was no exclusive connection between golf and the male gender. And there were no "needs" connected to the male members entitling the club to exemption under section 9.

It was at this point that a new page was opened in the history of the male gender's ongoing evolution -- if evolution it is. The ordinary, natural and literal meaning of the word "needs" is that set out in the Oxford English Dictionary, Mr Justice Hardiman protested, and it was broad enough to embrace social, cultural and sporting needs as well as more basic needs like food and water.

We do hope that Richard Dawkins and other evolutionary biologists have been made aware of these findings. Although perhaps it should be pointed out that with a mere 12 per cent, roughly, of the adult male population playing golf, this is a fundamental need that many men are finding it possible to survive without.

The EA's interpretation of the term "needs", added Mr Justice Hardiman, was "a narrow, outdated and unnatural one." And here were these silly do-gooders thinking that it was the PGC policy that was narrow, outdated and possibly unnatural too.

Twelve months ago, in a speech to the Law Society, Mr Justice Hardiman criticised the media for its "inadequate and uninformative" coverage of the courts. He looked with "envy", he said, at the

elite press corps attached to the US Supreme Court. Science in the media was covered by scientists, sport by highly competent people. (Cheers!) "It is no exaggeration to say," he added, "that legal reporting in Ireland has yet to find its Des Cahill or Joshua Rosenberg (of the BBC and Daily Telegraph)."

Which left us wondering, in turn, how the practitioners within the Irish legal system would measure up on the international index. If there was a transfer market, would our finest be snapped up by the Real Madrids and Man Uniteds of the law, or would they be more Wolverhampton Wanderers and Accrington Stanley?

While criticising the work of female legal affairs journalists in his speech, Mr Justice Hardiman referred to them as "cowgirls". It was in the context of a quote from the musical Oklahoma! Ho ho ho, ha ha ha.

But as the song says, even cowgirls get the blues, and even cowgirls -- presumably -- can play a round of golf in Portmarnock and have a drink at the bar. It's just that they can't become members because the men there have "needs" which are apparently compromised if there are women present on an equal footing.

Who knows, maybe they just get the yips when the ladies are around.

the.couch@hotmail.com

Sunday Independent