Monday 5 December 2016

Bloody foreigners are a weird breed

Published 11/03/2012 | 05:00

One of the staple stories in the papers of our old imperial oppressors across the water is the 'Aren't Foreigners Funny' yarn. A columnist will dig up an example of strange behaviour in Umbongoland and chortle away before observing that really, you couldn't make it up.

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Well, if you can't beat them, join them. Apparently, there's a country which is hosting a major sporting event this summer and, wait for it, has told its athletes not to shake hands with their opponents for fear of them contracting an illness which might adversely affect their performance.

Wait, there's more. This country also distributed a questionnaire to volunteers at the games to help them behave in the correct manner towards spectators. Questions included such gems as, 'A spectator complains to you that there are two men holding hands sitting next to them. Do you? (a) Tell the person to stop being a homophobic idiot and walk away. (b) Tell the couple to stop holding hands, or (c) Explain that there is a huge diversity of people at the games.' And, 'A spectator asks you where the toilets are. You are not sure whether the person is male or female. Do you (a) Panic. (b) Tell where both the male and female toilets are, or (c) Ask them if they're male or female.' Personally, if I couldn't work out 'C' on my own I'd 'A'.

They're devious swine too. Last week they won a court case enabling their rhythmic gymnastics team, ranked outside the world top 20, to gain a games place ahead of Switzerland, ranked eighth, on the technical basis that they had received wrong information during the qualifying tournament.

Foreigners, eh? You couldn't be up to them. Mind you, they've got form for this kind of thing. Who can ever forget their World Cup referee who managed to yellow-card a player three times in the one game? Of course the PC brigade would tell us they have just as much right to host major sporting events as the likes of ourselves. Stuff like this is part of their culture apparently.

Diplomacy precludes me from revealing the nation involved but if you can solve the following difficult word scramble you'll get the name of its prime minister.

Davdi Camerno.

Sunday Indo Sport

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