Billy Keane: Women the curse of all sportsmen
"They're all bitches except for Mom," was how it was put to me by a loyal Manchester United supporter following the seduction of Ryan Giggs.
Poor old Giggsy -- though he is very rich -- was one of a long line of United dribblers who have been taken advantage of by women.
Besty hadn't a minute's peace from the girls even on match-day. I suppose it's one way of warming up.
Wayne Rooney has been described as a love rat. But it wasn't Roo's fault. The women took advantage of him -- even the ones he paid for.
I wonder if there's any truth in the story that Fergie has asked the United players to "take precautions". Supposedly Fergie ordered the lads to bring their solicitors along on dates, which brings a whole new meaning to menage a trois.
And Giggsy is joining Tiger at his sex addiction classes.
I have news for you, boys. Don't feel too bad about the old trysts. Every man I know is a sex addict. The pupil-teacher ratio will be 1000:1.
But the women only get carried away when they are in the presence of sportsmen.
A well-known Irish sportsman was all but stripped by a group of women in a Dublin nightclub while his girlfriend looked on in horror.
I was listening in. "What will I do?" she asked her friend.
"It's all about whom he goes home with," advised the pal.
Did you ever see the state of the young ones on the night of a big rugby game when the weather is well below zero? Not a stitch on them. And then they're all sniffling, coughing and lemsipping the next day.
High-profile sportsmen have no bother in pulling the birds.
Sorry for all the low-brow references to women and their relationships with sportsmen. Listowel Writers' Week (and what a week it was) is just over and I can't take any more high art. There will be no similes or metaphors for the next few weeks.
There's a woman who tells me she watches rugby because the players have nice legs, and of that I have no doubt whatsoever. But if I had my way she would be banned forthwith from attending or watching all future games involving the oval ball.
Another female said she liked jockeys. Her reasoning was that, if the men in the saddle with the whips could control six hundred-weight of snorting horse, they would have no bother in bringing the best out of a nine-stone woman.
Fair play to the GAA. The lads won't be caught up in super injunctions.
Although I seem to remember reading about some poor misfortunate who was lured into appearing in a porn video with a rather fetching lady called Tanya Tate. How is it all porn stars have such great alliteration in their names?
"It was a wee private thing we done in our own room and then some d*** goes and steals off the phone."
This was the response of a GAA player from Ulster to an enquiry from 'The Sunday Life' newspaper when a videod bedroom romp with his girlfriend was circulated all around the north.
When I started to write this piece it was with the sole intention of having a laugh.
I could easily have changed the tone simply by pressing the delete button and penning a few well- chosen sentences, but I decided to leave the opening paragraphs as they were written in the first draft. The words 'some mother's son' sort of snuck into my brain when the GAA stuff came up.
The young GAA guy who was foolish enough to get caught up with Tanya comes from a small country club. He made a mistake and, unlike most testosterone-fuelled romps in mobile homes, it's now on the public record.
I'm sure that in time it will be seen as a youthful indiscretion after a few beers, but the dramatic publication of the story must have been very traumatic for the young lad and his family.
I was all set for a cheap shot at Giggsy, wasn't I? We tend to dehumanise people we do not know. I was hardly going to meet Giggs in Listowel. But at least my real name appears on the top of the page.
Down player John Clarke announced this week he was taking a break from the game because of internet abuse from "cowards hiding behind computer screens."
John, do not give in to the sheep worriers.
They are no more than the latter-day incarnation of the Black and Tans who shoot through narrow slits in armoured cars and then crawl home to the safety of the barracks.
Ah, but you might say Giggs is different. He's a multi-millionaire. But does that in some way mean he is fair game for us guys? Are the rich and famous not human?
Most commentators will defend our right to tell it as it is 'in the public interest', but how would all of us in the press like it if our own private lives were subject to such strict scrutiny?
And every time the Giggs kids Google their dad, guess what they will read? Is that trauma or what?
Ah, but you might say Giggs knew what he was doing and should have realised there would be consequences. Aren't we all so perfect?
And the kids? Ah well, they are no more than what's known in the trade as 'collateral damage'.