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Wednesday 1 October 2014

Ok, there won't be another word about diets or weight or exercise until I've actually done something about it

Published 23/08/2014 | 00:00

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Anyone who knows me will know that I'm all talk and no action especially when it comes to diet and exercise. I'll arrive home with a whole new gym kit only to go twice before giving up. It was the same with yoga. I extolled the virtues of the downward dog, bought the yoga mat, the lavender eye mask and the meditation book only to pack it in after a month.

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Kettlebells was the only thing I lasted more than a month at and that was purely because the teacher made me laugh. She used to shout at me when I'd slow down and shame me into doing another thirty swings. She cracked me up so I kept going until the summer holidays arrived and then I went to pot, forgoing the kettlebells classes for a glass of wine or four in the garden.

It's the same with diets. I am a walking encyclopedia when it comes to diets. Except I've never done any of them. I get as far as reading up on them, once I even bought some of the products. But I've never actually followed through with the implementation. My juicing diet lasted 11 hours despite the fact I'd paid up for a full week, I cried from the hunger and went to bed in a temper, sneaking a crisp sandwich and a cup of tea down with me half an hour later.

Every time I meet someone who has lost weight I compliment them effusively and then beg them to let me in on their secret. Except there normally isn't a secret. It's always a variety of hard work - diet and exercise. Paleo is very popular at the moment apparently. But that means no bread, no pasta, no potatoes. I'd rather die.

The 5:2 diet is also doing well. The basic premise being you watch what you eat for five days and then eat what you like (within reason) for the other two. I just couldn't do the 'within reason' bit.

And then of course there's the demon drink. I've noticed that whenever I try to watch what I eat, I just drink more. I have a glass of wine to take my mind off the fact that I can't have a bar of chocolate. Then I have another glass and another. Before you know it I've consumed a day's calories in pinot feckin grigio.

The other thing is, I quite like complaining.....to anyone who will listen. 'Oh God, I've put on sooooooo much weight, blah blah blah' is a regular refrain of mine as if by somehow saying it will help me magically shed the excess flesh.

Most of my friends ignore me at this stage. They know I'm like a bold child - if you pay me any attention I'll just act up even more. One however called me on my procrastination the other day. 'It's simple,' she said. 'You just move more and eat less. Stop going on about it and just do it!' I told her I didn't like the sound of either of the two. "Well then shut up about it!'

She's right. I'm even boring myself now. There shan't be another word about diets or weight or exercise until I can say I've done something about it. You may be waiting a while.

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