Ireland douze points
Now there's a phrase rarely used since 1996. After our failure to qualify for the Eurovision final last week, here's our six-point plan to get Ireland back in the game...
Forget the bodhrans and the boys in kilts. Europeans can read, they don't need visual aids to remind them they're watching Ireland perform.
Stop peddling past glories. Today's voters don't give a fig we've won seven times and, as the last time was all of 18 years ago, most don't even remember.
Ditch the 'mentors'. These so-called experts are too often totally out of touch. And, while we're at it, take the Late Late out of the picture and replace the dinosaurs behind the scenes with fresh blood.
Stop trying to second-guess voters. We don't need a 'Eurovision-sounding' pop song: The Netherlands finished second Saturday night with a slow-burning, country duet.
Trial run the actual Eurovision performance... on a big stage in the national competition before local voters first. That way we can hopefully avoid the uncoordinated horror show that was Ireland's semi-final performance in Copenhagen last week.
And finally ... find a bloody good song. Seems obvious, but we appear to have forgotten that that's the whole point.
New Ross Standard