On behalf of Scotland and Billy, we really are sorry
Sir, I appreciate you can't publish this verbatim, but do what you can - for Scotland's sake...
I'm a Scotsman you see, born and bred. My mother was Italian, and I rejoice in that, in more ways than about fourteen. But I'm Scot to the bone. I make no apologies for that and I ask no favour. But it behooves me now. I am required, it seems in my own mind, to make an apology and it seems almost strange, as I write, that one would apologies to Pretty Miss Ireland, a most foul mouthed country, for the words of one of my countrymen. And this is official, because poor f**ked Billy can't say it.
I hereby apologies to the Irish nation on behalf of Billy (you stupid, thick f**k ) Connolly for his tirade and foul words to a fine Irish girl at a recent show in Killarney.
I apologies unreservedly. I apologies and we are sorry. Billy (the stupid f**k) is sorry. He just can't say it. His ego is too big, he's too rich, he thinks it's funny and he's a thick f**k. Like all celebrities he needs every bit of press he can get and your nice Doll just got in the way. So I apologies to her and I apologies to Ireland. We're not all like that. Please do understand: Billy was dragged out of the gutter by good delivery and fine timing, resorting to a foul mouth when times get hard and you've no idea how difficult it is running five houses and a ranch.
Look kindly then, if you can, upon the poor wretch condemned to fame and variable madness, reduced to petty stand up and a random curse. Rejoice then in your freedom and if you should meet Billy, a simple "Oh Big Man... still f***ked" will suffice.