GROWING OLD gracefully is something I've long since given up on. I've done my best to keep time at bay, without much success. In general it's not looking good! suffice to say, things aren't what or where they used to be!
Still, I've consoled myself by looking in the mirror from time to time, after lengthy and exhausting effort and lots of warpaint and said, "O'Mahony. You're not bad for an 'oul wan."
But an 'oul wan, it appears, is exactly what I am in the eyes of others. Despite my best and rather madcap attempts to be sexy, (push up bras, magic knickers, youth serums, you name it, I've tried it) It would appear I am officially "over the hill" and heading down the other side very rapidly.
Having had my fair share of male attention back in the day, it has come as quite a shock, that I no longer get the glad eye or a leery appraisal anymore. I'd be happy enough with a lecherous comment or obscene gesture, truth be told. But sadly no joy.
In fact, not only have I obviously become an 'oul wan', I've also become invisible, judging by the reaction I got on the beach recently whilst on holiday. OK so I'm not misguided enough to think there'd be men queueing up to put sun lotion on my back (although it would have been nice) but you know, the odd glance, or smile from the opposite sex, even a geriatric member of the opposite sex, would have cheered me up no end. Nowhere was this more evident than when I sauntered up to the beach bar one lunchtime to have a snack. There I was in my togs, most offensive bodily parts well covered, tummy sucked in, boobs stuck out and a big smile on my face.
THE BAR man was young, Spanish and drop dead gorgeous. I waited for my turn patiently, and watched as a continuous flow of absolute babes came to the counter to order drinks and food. To be fair the girls without exception were stunning, the feckers. All tanned toned limbs and flawless skin, with hair piled high in big Essex like updos. I on the other hand was all squashy white skin, sensible navy togs and a pain in my stomach from holding it in.
I waited ten minutes as I tried to catch Don Juan's eye to no avail whileas he continued to serve only the young and the beautiful. I watched in a fit of jealousy as Don Juan and Lucy from Essex flirted over a mojito and she slid him her number. He eyed her lasciviously as she walked back to her lounger. That used to happen to me! Men used to look at me like that once upon a time. All pent up sexual frustration and longing. Now the only time they look at me is to hand me the bill or ask directions!
As I tried to catch Don Juan's eye again to order my hotdog, he looked over my shoulder at a leggy blonde young enough to be my daughter and winked at her. "Oi you!" I bellowed at him, losing the rag. "I've been waiting here 15 minutes and you've served every young one in the place except me. Get me the biggest magnum in the fridge and make it quick," I ordered. Well feck it if I'm over the hill I might as well make the most of it.
He looked at blondie behind me, rolled his eyes and muttered "loco" under his breath.
I can feel myself turning into Mrs Browne!