independent

Thursday 2 October 2014

Dragon Man heads for Aras tent... ahead of the election

Another round of TV exchanges in the race for residency at the Phoenix Park

Published 25/10/2011 | 14:22

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'GOOD EVENING and welcome to our final pre-election debate.

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This evening we have two empty seats. Constitutional Rosemary is not with us because as she was about to leave her home for the studio she noticed a man walking a dog on the road outside and she fears it could be a kidnap plot so she has locked herself in the house. The second seat belongs to the Dragon Man who will be joining us this evening by live satellite link', announced Vincent Blue at the start of the programme.

'It's a pity someone didn't kidnap the Dragon Man,' said the D Man.

'I'm sure I could arrange that,' added Chuckle Mick.

'And I tell you one thing, I wouldn't be writing any letters to have him released, at least not before polling day,' laughed David Pomp.

'Where is the Dragon Man? It's a disgrace that he is not here,' said Fine Gay. 'I hope he is not down around Crumlin and places like that looking for votes while we are stuck in here listening to Vincent Blue and his bullshite,' he added

'Can I just say one thing, Vincent,' requested Quango Mary. 'I don't think the Dragon Man is transparent at all. I am very transparent, but we don't really know where he has been or what he was doing in the past.'

Just then Vincent interrupted. ' We're joined now live by the Dragon Man.'

The camera then cut to images of the Dragon Man surrounded by a host of people all sipping champagne. On his knee sat two portly individuals. 'Ah jaysus it's the Drink Man and the No Bank Account Man,' said Fine Gay.

'And look behind him aren't they the terrible twins Dermot and Noel, what do you call them, ah yes the No IMF Here twins, yes it is them,' said Pomp

'And look there's that fellow the Kerry Bull, and Limerick Willie is there too,' added Chuckle Mick.

'Oh God, I see some of my friends there too. The great developers who made this country what it is today. Oh I enjoyed so many wonderful evenings in their company,' sighed Quango Mary.

Then the sound emerged from the satellite link. 'We're having a great time up here, Vincent, and I'm afraid you'll never be invited,' announced the Dragon Man.

'Where are you?' demanded Vincent. Just then the screen cut to an outdoor shot showing a very impressive tent set in the grounds of the Aras. 'We're all in the Aras tent!' laughed the No Bank Account Man 'Who's next for a song?' roared the Drink Man. ' This is an outrage!' said Vincent. 'Hold on there now, Vincent,' said the Dragon Man. 'I am the boss of the armed forced now so I'd be careful if I were you.'

' The actuality of the situation,' said the Kerry Bull, 'is that we have taken charge of the army and before morning Enda Mayo and his gang will be under house arrest and the Dragon Man will be taking over the running of the State. We're back!' he bellowed. Then there was a chorus of 'yippee yippee' led by the No IMF Here twins.

Back in the studio, Vincent was even more dishevelled than usual as the other candidates stared at the screen in disbelief. The D Man held his head in his hands, saying 'What are we to do?'.

'I know what to do. We must meet fire with fire,' said Chuckle Mick. ' Their army are only like toy soldiers compared to what I could organise. Are you with me lads?'

'Where do I take the oath' said Fine Gay as all five raced from the studio, leaving Vincent Blue alone to watch the images on the screen of the Dragon Man surrounded by scores of familiar faces as scantily clad dancing girls began to emerge into view

'Oh God,' sighed Vincent, 'I can't take any more of this. I'm off to take the oath with Chuckle Mick. Goodnight. The weather will be on in half an hour.'

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