Saturday 10 December 2016

My fabulous new system for living

Published 14/12/2015 | 02:30

Self help: Maybe Tony Soprano didn't need all those sessions with Dr Melfi ... she could have just said 'It's All in Your Head'
Self help: Maybe Tony Soprano didn't need all those sessions with Dr Melfi ... she could have just said 'It's All in Your Head'

I think I am drifting back to becoming some kind of self-help guru again. The more I read about what jobs will and won't exist in the future, the more I realise that it may be my only option. I don't think, for example, that I have a future in big data, the current hot thing. While I realise that we have the perfect climate for data farms here in Ireland (Honestly, we do!), we wouldn't have enough room for much of a data farm in the back garden.

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Personal services are going to be hot in the future too apparently, but increasingly, as I get older, I don't like touching people, and I don't like having oily hands, so massage or any of that kind of thing is out. I could probably become some kind of a counsellor. You'd be surprised how good I am at listening to people and letting them talk. I let them chat away until one of three things happens. They either just get it off their chests and move on, or they come to a really obvious solution to their problem, or else they don't see the obvious solution to their problem and I point it out to them. But then, why help individuals with their problems for a small amount of money as a counsellor at a time when you can help everybody in the whole world with their problems for much more cash? And of course much more personal fulfilment and satisfaction.

I suppose the natural end for someone like me would be to become a taxi driver. I like driving and I like listening to the radio and I like telling people what's what. But obviously there's going to be no more taxi drivers in the future either. Another big job is going to be data-disposal man, where you get rid of people's old data for them, after they die and whatnot, if indeed there will be death in the future at all - scientists are divided on this. As much as I am quite good at losing a morning's work into the ether, I don't really see myself getting rid of dead people's data. So self-help guru it is. I am aware there are a lot of self-help gurus around, and some people might argue that the market is saturated. But bear in mind that as people have more and more time on their hands they are going to become increasingly unhappy, neurotic and narcissistic. Without much gainful employment, anyone who is not a masseuse or a data farmer will find themselves with more time to feel incomplete and search for meaning and answers.

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