Abstinence? I'll drink to that!
As an average Irish adult, I was surprised to learn that I am currently drinking one bottle of vodka a week ("We drink 'bottle of vodka a week'", Irish Independent, February 8), according to the National Substance Misuse Strategy report.
What incredible powers of omniscient wisdom our leaders possess!
They tell me how many bags of crisps I can eat before I become officially obese and have one foot in the grave.
They can advise me on the correct way to enter and exit a roundabout, lest I plough over the grassy knoll and mow down some innocent daffodils.
They can even give me step-by-step instructions on how to put up a Christmas tree without electrocuting my entire family.
And now they have decided that the few pints I enjoy at the weekend or the odd glass of Merlot over lunch is, in fact, evidence of the kind of irresponsible binge drinking that is now threatening the very future of civilised society.
Who'd have thought it?
Now that I realise the error of my ways, I will be only delighted to fork out even more money for a six-pack of lager -- sure isn't it for my own good?
And as for the proposal that I should no longer be able to purchase drink in supermarkets during my weekly shop, fantastic! The long walk to the off-licence will only give me more time to repent of my foolish boozing.
Some of your more sceptical readers may think that in trying to effect a radical transformation in a 5,000-year-old drinking culture our politicians may be taking on too much -- what with trying to sort out the worst economic crisis in Europe since the 1930s and everything.
Should they not be concentrating on restoring hope to a nation brought low by three-and-a-half years of financial chaos? Well, I say to the doubters, just close your eyes and imagine the streets of an ordinary Irish town this time next year.
It is Saturday night. Where drunken louts once gathered outside the chipper to shout abuse at the gardai and swig from bottles of imported alcopops, all is quiet.
For, having swapped his hoodie for an Aran jumper, young Seamus is now to be found by the fire in his local pub, peacefully sipping on a manly pint of stout (just the one) while he taps his feet to a trad music band and gazes thoughtfully upon the bronze bust of De Valera above the roaring turf fire.
And all thanks to the National Substance Misuse Strategy report!
Indeed had I any input into this glorious blueprint for a better Ireland (naturally I had no input whatsoever, as befits an ignorant taxpayer) I would go much further.
Why not criminalise the sale, possession and/or supply of alcohol completely?
At the stroke of a ministerial pen, binge drinking would be consigned to history, like smallpox and kipper ties.
I've even thought of a name for such a strategy.
We could call it "prohibition".
Phelim Doherty
Address with editor
Irish Independent
