Gene Kerrigan: We heard the fake news today - oh boy
You will not be surprised to hear that in 1968 Fianna Fail tried to pull a fast one. At any given time on the calendar, since 1926, the chances were that FF was trying something on.
You will not be surprised to hear that in 1968 Fianna Fail tried to pull a fast one. At any given time on the calendar, since 1926, the chances were that FF was trying something on.
Want to hear about another Garda scandal? It features a petty criminal we'll call Paddy. And it tells us why and how the Garda crisis just gets worse, with no serious effort at reform.
Did the Irish media keep people ignorant of a brave lecture on immigration that Enda Kenny delivered to Donald Trump in Washington?
There's a bit of a political fight coming up. On the face of it, it's such a stupid issue that no sentient creature should have to spend more than three seconds thinking about it.
Enda goes to Washington and Trump says: "You know how Farage is my messenger boy in the UK? I want you to be my messenger boy in the EU - are ya up to that?"
The evidence is there, beyond any doubt: they knew from August 1927 that the babies were dying at a terrible rate. And they were cool with that.
Talk about bad timing. There are important things happening - real moves within the machinery of democracy.
Enda Kenny faces a small but potentially embarrassing predicament. And no one dares mention it. Let's do so.
Political journalism has of late entered a fog of fantasy thicker than any I can remember.
Here's a quote from the current political debate about the Garda whistleblower scandal. It's from Martin Heydon, no less - the chair of the Fine Gael Parliamentary Party.
Could happen, I suppose. You're copying and pasting material within a child abuse file - we're not sure why that was happening, but let's see where this goes.
You'd almost feel sorry for Enda Kenny. If he bends to kiss the ample hindquarters of Donald Trump, we'll sneer at him.
Poor Shane Ross. In the week to come, Fianna Fail is about to get terribly concerned about the state of Bus Eireann.
We're told we're now in a "post-truth society", where facts don't matter. You promote your politics through bluster and lies, and when you're caught lying you deny you lied and immediately repeat the lie.
It's all connected. They're reported separately, in different parts of the media - news pages, political analysis, business pages, court reports, property pages - but it's all connected.
It's hard to feel sympathy for Simon Harris, but it was unavoidable last week. There's something pitiful in the sight of a person of high office in obvious panic.
Suppose Jesus Christ came back. How would that work out in today's Ireland?
So, it was a good week for Simon Coveney, yeah? And a bad week for Leo Varadkar? Simon's edged ahead of Leo as the would-be FG leader, huh?
Last week, Fine Gael TD Alan Farrell smeared two Sinn Fein TDs, under Dail privilege. He did this by associating them with murder.
In recent days, many from the political and social gentry have been agonising about Irish Water. We've heard what TDs and ministers have to say. Academics and other experts, lowly columnists and startlingly well-paid broadcasters have all had their turn.
This happened last Thursday. It's on the official record of the Dail - page 15, for November 24, 2016 Leaders' Questions. If you can stomach it. You think they've learned, you hope they've learned, and then you look at what's happening - and you know that for them it's not about achieving things; it's about keeping the show going.
What will President Donald Trump do after he's inaugurated on January 20? Rhetoric aside, what will the American right, now in total control of the Presidency and Congress, actually do now that they're sweeping into power?
After what happened last Friday, it's tempting to conclude that it doesn't matter who wins the election on Tuesday, to become the President of what Americans insist is the Greatest Country in the World.
We who work in the media love political set pieces. And we're already into the one that's going to entertain us for weeks, if not months: the change of party leader.
Last Thursday the Government crossed a line. It let us know that certain crimes are tolerable. It did so almost casually, with no hint of shame. The Fianna Fail "opposition" went along with its Fine Gael partners. As did the "independent" ministers. This State has chosen...
Well, they're certainly not over-modest, you can say that about our current leaders. Last week, two of them, Paschal Donohoe and Michael McGrath, were so overcome with their own sense of mission that they felt the need to portray themselves as saviours of the nation.
It's now five months since we found out that the Garda Commissioner, Noirin O'Sullivan, made a very serious allegation against whistleblower Sgt Maurice McCabe.
These days, to be an intelligent supporter of Fine Gael is to experience a high degree of embarrassment. The level of political competence, whether among the old heads or the new, ranges from the comic to the farcical.
They've been buggering around with the A&E debacle since Mary Harney announced a "national emergency" in 2006. Ten whole years ago.
Once upon a long, long time ago, I attended a court case in which a bank sued a businessman. The man hadn't paid off a term loan. Interest had pushed the debt up to £36,000 and the man wasn't happy with the interest he'd been charged.
What is going on? Big things, obviously, things that will affect this country for generations. But a lot of it doesn't ring true.
You want to get out of paying taxes? We'll tell you how it's done.
Now, let's be fair and balanced about this. On the one hand, it's no joke. I mean, a 71-year-old pillar of Irish society arrested in the nip in a Brazilian hotel, in front of a TV camera. With armed cops swarming all over the joint.
Yes, there are a lot of very important things that are seriously wrong with Irish politics and politicians.
Did you see the knife going in? Last Tuesday, as the Trump presidential bid seemed on the verge of imploding, Barack Obama spoke softly. He appeared at his most thoughtful. In truth, he was being vicious, partisan and unforgiving.
Fair play to the Spaniards. Last week, they got fined by the EU because they broke the rules on fiscal deficits. There's nothing that upsets Brussels more than someone breaking the rules on fiscal deficits.
It's quiz time, folks - let's see how knowledgeable we are about the current state of political play.
The rest of the world may be reeling from bad news, but last week we got the best economic announcement in the history of the State. I'm no economist, but the people who know about these things suggest we got the best economic news any country has ever received.
About three million people marched in Rome that day, February 15, 2003. Half a million in Paris, another half a million in Berlin, more than a million in London. In Dublin, there were over 100,000 of us.
You'd almost feel sorry for Enda Kenny. There he is, securing his place in the history of this great little nation, and right in front of him Fine Gael is interviewing candidates for his job.
The threat to shoot me came in a phone call to my home from some eejit trying to sound like a character from The Godfather. This was back in the late 1980s, when I was working for the Sunday Tribune. It was chilling - for about 30 seconds. Then, common sense kicked in.
They couldn't conceal their anger. The EU chieftains, caught by the TV cameras on Friday morning, were shocked and they were furious.
You can smell the panic: from Washington to Downing Street, from Strasburg to Leinster House. Things are not going according to plan.
And who, I hear you ask, is the Abraham Lincoln of Irish gays? Is it Enda Kenny or is it Micheal Martin?
Probably my favourite moment in Irish sport was when Roy Keane scored a late try against Real Madrid in the final furlong of the Pro-Am steeplechase at Wimbledon in 1979.
What did the Garda Commissioner know, and when did she know it?
Clare Daly was driving in an unfamiliar part of south Dublin and took an illegal turn. The gardai stopped her and decided to breathalyse her.
So, how's it going, then - the 'New Politics'? Politicians have listened to what the people have said and they've resolved to "do politics differently". None of the old self-serving manoeuvres, none of the old party-first cynicism.
The odds are you didn't even notice - but last week, they did a job on you. Some very smart people did a job on your perception of what's been happening.
The Fine Gael/Fianna Fail Alliance, after spending two whole months forming a government, is agreed on the continuation of the Irish Water project.
Way, way back, when I was more easily excited about these things, a newspaper gravely reported the discovery of "a new erogenous zone". Boy, were we feverish.
Is Enda Kenny lying about what happened at his disastrous meeting with Micheal Martin? Or is Micheal Martin lying? Or was it all a devious plot?
The first thing that has to be said about the Panama Papers is that this is a wonderful example of thorough journalism. It took a year to bring it to print and it cost a fortune, with about 400 journalists involved, in 76 countries. Well done to all involved and may we see a lot more of this kind of thing.
Let's try what they call a "thought experiment". That's something that used to be called "blue sky thinking". Before that the cool people called it "thinking outside the box". Back in my day, we called it "thinking".
Where's Charlie Haughey when you need him? Crooked? Yeah, Charlie was crooked. Shake hands with Charlie, afterwards you had to count your fingers.
Charlie Saurin was 18 and he'd a choice to make and I think he made the right one. He joined the Irish Volunteers in 1914, with about 180,000 others.
There are lots of dots around - let's try to connect some of them. The necessity to do this occurred to me when I read that Paschal Donohoe, Minister for Transport, is upset.
Official Ireland has long appeared to be terribly nervous about commemorating the 1916 Rising. There's widespread public enthusiasm for the cultural and historical events, particularly among the young, but the Government can't shake off the impression that it feels obliged to do this, and may even benefit politically from it, but its heart isn't really in it.
What are they up to? The two biggest right-wing parties have wasted a week staging meaningless talks that can't lead to anything. Panic? Indecision? I don't think so.
One: The two largest right-wing parties have won the General Election. Between them, they have more than enough seats to form a stable government. But that would permanently end the Punch and Judy act that has sustained them for decades.
The 2011 general election result was pretty good; this one is even better. It's as good as could reasonably be expected - given that we're witnessing the slow collapse of institutions that served us badly for generations.
It was the night of the general election, 2011, the polls had closed and there was a poet on RTE.
There are, of course, other things going on in the world, apart from the general election. And some of them will have a greater effect on our lives than the outcome of that election.
After just two days of the general election campaign, Fine Gael's strategy collapsed. The party is running on its alleged economic expertise. It would "keep the recovery going". That supposed expertise has been irretrievably destroyed.
This week, at no extra cost, we bring you the Soapbox Political Translation Service. Without it, you won't understand half of what the politicians say in the weeks ahead.
From time to time, we indulge in moral panics. Usually, this follows a startling scandal unearthed by the media - and often it's RTE that does the spadework.
You've probably avoided reading any of that stuff in the business pages about the faltering Chinese economy. And about the falling price of oil. Quite right. Me too.
Joan Burton's week (as imagined by Gene Kerrigan)
Deep in all our hearts, we know the floods will come again, and again, down through the years to come.
It isn't really about 1916. Much of the argument you'll hear over the next few months will be dressed up in the regalia of 1916, but the argument is really about politics today. And about the direction we take into the future.
It was around this time last year that Sinn Fein TD Padraig Mac Lochlainn used Twitter to describe Charlie Flanagan, Minister for Foreign Affairs, as a c*nt. As a result of this, I'm sure you remember, Mac Lochlainn came under sustained attack from Fine Gael, Labour and the media.
For just a while, I thought we'd found a new hero: councillor Hughie McElvaney, star of the RTE Investigates programme. You had to admire his total commitment to unashamedly playing the role of a greedy bastard.
Last Tuesday evening, Judge William Hamill addressed the Law Reform Commission. In another part of the capital city, Mick Wallace TD was enjoying his final evening of freedom. Hours later he was incarcerated in Limerick prison for a grand total of - eh, two hours.
Money is appearing, as if by magic - billions of euros. The people who govern us aren't sure where it's coming from, or who's responsible. And they don't seem terribly curious. They hope it continues, but - to quote one of their leading experts - they're "flying blind".
Here we go again. Into one of our periodic eruptions of moral indignation. Just because an Irish Farmers' Association bigshot had a bumper harvest of lovely money.
For the political parties, 2016 won't be about the centenary of the Easter Rising. It won't be about the economy, stopping the growth of homelessness or ending the chaos in the hospitals.
Last Tuesday, the Dail put time aside for lengthy statements on the Paris atrocities. The speeches got hardly any coverage. But they said a lot about our parliament - some of it good, and some of it depressingly bad.
Wasn't it fun? All those weeks of playacting, with Fine Gael making nasty remarks about Alan Kelly, the Minister for Prolonging the Housing Crisis.
Say the word Stardust in my neighbourhood and it still produces pain, almost 35 years after the terrible fire that killed 48 people.
We know we're being manipulated. But financially we're somewhat better off. So, we live with the manipulation.
What a treat awaits us when we step into the polling booth. From Enda to the Sensodyne Man. Truly, we're spoiled for choice. And to enhance that choice, I'm seriously considering joining Lucinda Creighton's mini-party, Renua.
Remember Tom McFeely? The guy who built Priory Hall? If ever there was a ready-made villain, it was Tom. An ex-Provo, a millionaire builder who went broke with all the other millionaire builders.
We noticed three fellas doing a bit of complaining last week. Paddy Cosgrave, Johnny Ronan and Mick Wallace.
Help me, please. Tell me I'm imagining this stuff. It would be a relief to find out that the mental strain of living in Endaland had caused a temporary hallucination. It would be truly worrying to discover that these things really happened last week.
Was Brian Lenihan really a liar? Whose word can we trust? Why the silence? Does the Dail have any function any more?
About a year ago, Enda Kenny visited Roscommon town. Local party members awaited his arrival. As the Taoiseach's car drew up, a man named John McDermott stepped forward, hoping to speak to Mr Kenny.
The Fennelly Commission Interim Report lays out what Enda Kenny said and what he did, and it's damning.
So, now we know. It's Fr Peter McVerry's fault. And the fault of another homeless charity, Focus Ireland. And other, unnamed, homeless charities - all of them, they've failed to "step up to the plate" and tackle homelessness.
It's eight months now since this Government solved the problem of homelessness. Jonathan Corrie died sleeping in a doorway across the road from the Dail. A homeless person dying in the open on a freezing winter's night, within sight of parliament - that was a political...
It's like someone farted in a lift. Everyone knows it happened, but they're pretending otherwise. They hold their breath and look at the floor, the walls, the ceiling.
The general election campaign is under way, yet the election date remains undeclared. It might not happen - God help us - for the best part of nine months. We're in suspended electoral animation - the engine is revving up, but the brakes are on.
We like our little political dramas. Now and then, our politicians and the media create an eruption of amateur theatrics. So, when one of Enda Kenny's underlings made a remark about how long Enda intends to remain leader of Fine Gael, well - we couldn't resist making a fuss.
The Government has been caught out - Irish Water has failed the Eurostat test - devastating news for the members of the Cabinet. In deep, deep trouble, the Government responds with a mixture of guile, panic and outright denial.
Last week I realised I know very little about John Perry. Ex-minister, TD for 18 years. I've been keeping an eye on these matters since shortly after de Valera decided to give up the teaching and chance his arm in the politics business.
Yes, it's encouraging that despite all the threats and the bribes only 43pc have paid the Water Tax. And there's great entertainment to be had in listening to Irish Water's head of communication, Elizabeth Arnett, putting a positive spin on the bad news.
No, look - I'm sorry, but this just won't do. We can't leave it at that, as though it didn't matter. There used to be a thing called truth. There used to be a thing called self-respect.
What's been going on in recent weeks looks like a silent coup against the Greek government. It could be EU and IMF arrogance and incompetence, but it smells more like an attempt at regime change. It's hard to know what role the Irish government is playing in this.
At the bottom of the statement stuck on the front window of Clerys, it says, "unused gift vouchers will not be redeemed".
It was surprising, watching Richard Bruton at work last week, treating the Dail as though answering questions was beneath him.
Things that didn't exist now turn out to exist. Things that clearly haven't happened are, with great ministerial authority, said to have happened. We were told that the things that didn't exist - but now do exist - were definitely not where you might expect them to be. But it now turns out that's just where they were all along.
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