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Thursday 18 September 2014

Eamon Keane: Since when were farmer’s tans ugly?

Published 23/04/2014 | 15:43

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Eamon Keane
Eamon Keane

Dearest Women of Ireland. These are dark times, but we must stand together at the bars, take-aways and gyms of Ireland.

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The news that Irishmen’s beauty rating has taken a tumble is no need for panic.

According to beautifulpeople.com, we Irishmen are now ranked as the ugliest in the world.

Who the hell are these feckers, and who are they to call us ugly?

Beautifulpeople.com is a dating agency that says fewer than one in 10 Irish fellas who applied to get on the site were accepted.

We were ranked bottom, along with the Poles and our UK neighbours.

Sweden, Brazil and Denmark took the top spots. I’d like a recount. Have you seen the heads on them lads in the Scandinavian crime dramas? And some oiled Brazilian leaping about Copacabana in a mankini does not qualify as beautiful.

They’re saying the pictures we submitted to the website were too ugly. Have they considered that the other nations are cheating with their photos? At least we’re honest.

We’ll also pose in our natural habitat, so an Irishman’s dating ‘selfie’ is holding a pint in a pub.

An eligible Irish lad will also be wearing his national folk costume – GAA or Republic of Ireland football jersey. The wealthier among us may match it with a pair of beige chinos.

Because we’re athletes, some lads will go to the trouble of donning tracksuit pants.

We Irishmen were all born beautiful, but nature takes its toll. Our weather is cold. It makes us eat crisps, pizzas and chips and drink beer. It shrivels our skin.

We have also suffered because of our past. I’m not talking about the British. The Danes gave us our long crook noses but gave us none of their blond hair. Typical.

Another problem for Irishmen is global warming. When summer comes we can’t handle it. We get big red faces and sunburn all over.

SPILLANE

Because we’re an old agricultural society we can’t but help get farmers’ tans. This look was famously pioneered in the 70s by that epitome of Irish manliness, Pat Spillane, and is popular with his fellow Irishmen to this day.

Finally, there’s another reason why we don’t score high in the looks department. The recession.

We’ve had to send away our best and handsomest fellas to Oz and London and Canada.

According to the last census, there were only 317 eligible single men left in Ireland, with 209 of them stuck in South County Dublin. In hideous chinos.

You Irish women are smart enough to know looks are not everything. You understand the importance of the Irish man’s great talent – purveyor of caint and craic.

Who wants to listen to some wealthy Yank droning on about Silicon Valley when you could be having a good natter about the National Hurling League Final?

After all, we Irishmen have a great sense of humour. Which other country would accept others’ bank debt and smile?

So, women of Ireland, admit it. Look past the face and Irishmen really have everything, don’t we?

Sincerely, Eamon Keane (picture above).

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