Sunday 4 December 2016

Send in the creepy clowns

Published 16/10/2016 | 02:30

'The Government has urged everyone to stay calm about the creepy clowns and has said that in fact they are our friends' Photo: PA
'The Government has urged everyone to stay calm about the creepy clowns and has said that in fact they are our friends' Photo: PA

The co-called 'creepy clown' phenomenon hit Ireland last week as the country was terrorised by clowns with red noses and big, fake, painted-on rictus grins. While creepy clowns up to now have been armed with chainsaws and knives, these clowns were armed with really long speeches, where they told us loads of stuff that we had already read in the papers for the past few weeks.

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The chief creepy clown is a man known to his associates as 'Baldy'. He has a menacing smile and talks in a very low but extremely scary kind of monotone. His associate is a younger clown known as Paschal (pronounced in the French style), who only recently graduated from clown school and who is said to be less obviously menacing but just as bad in his own way. This pair performed traditional clown tricks last week when they made an extra few hundred million appear from nowhere, unsuccessfully juggled everyone's competing demands, filled balloons with hot air, and ended up slipping on banana skins and getting pie on their faces.

The Government has urged everyone to stay calm about the creepy clowns and has said that in fact they are our friends. Indeed, there is talk now that the Government may offer grants for creepy clowns to mind children while their mothers go out to work. Tulsa is said to be engaging with the creepy clown union to encourage creepy clowns to get proper accreditation. The feeling is that this will leave more grandparents free to spend their extra five euro by going on cruises and down to the bingo and so forth.

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