My week: Cheryl Cole
Monday: Today's papers are full of pictures of Yours Truly with me head on the shoulder of that young fella from One Direction, even though I'm still officially married to that other French bloke with the long name. Ya know, the one they're saying wants three million quid off me to go away.
The lawyers told me to sign a pre-nup, but I was in love, like. Plus every time I tried to bring it up, he said he didn't speak Geordie.
I ring up Liam to ask if he's seen the pics, scribbling "Cheryl Payne" on me phone pad to see how it looks.