independent

Monday 21 April 2014

George Arnett: The end is nigh: Five things you should stock up on for the coming apocalypse

The latest advert for American dessert Jell-O, known here as jelly, suggests that if it was to be offered to the Gods, it may stave off the impending apocalypse that doomsayers expect to come this Friday.

However, instead of trying to placate South American Gods with jelly, we should be adding to our store cupboards just in case most of the human race is wiped out on December 21. These are the products I recommend you stock up on:

1. Peanut butter

Peanut butter will become an essential product as supplies of other sources of protein dry up. The nut-based spread can work in sweet or savoury dishes and that dexterity will be useful with the slim pickings likely to be on offer. I’d go as far as to say that peanut butter will gain an ambrosia-like status in this brave new world. For those with allergies, some alternatives include marshmallow spread and marmalade.

2. Yakult

This bacterium-based yoghurt-drink will come into its own after most of the world is destroyed. Readers of The War of the Worlds will know that it is bacteria that stopped Martian invaders from destroying the human race. As well as helping with maintaining your gut flora, Yakult may end up saving your life from aliens.

3. Marmite

You either love it or you hate it and in the small group of survivors there needs to be something to debate over. Long nights could be spent chatting about whether Marmite would improve or destroy your dishes. The sticky yeast extract would also be good for trapping the huge bugs that are sure to spring up soon after civilization is destroyed.

4. Baked Beans

The world may be destroyed but there will always be baked beans. Tinned food is likely to be a major source of nutrition as the world is turned into a wasteland and beans are sure to be the food of choice. Also, on a sadder note though this kids’ favourite could bring back fond memories of your now destroyed home.

5. Spirits

While I would never encourage the excessive consumption of spirits, the brandy that would otherwise light your Christmas pudding would be useful when the world is over. Use it to treat wounds caused by fighting zombies, to disinfect the grim surfaces in your nuclear bunker or to calm your terrified nerves. I recommend vodka.

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