Sunday 23 July 2017

Exclusive: World has gone mad

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump Photo: AP
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump Photo: AP
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

Scientists at Trinity College confirmed this weekend what many people have suspected for quite a while now. The world has officially gone mad. Boffins at the university have long been working on a Scale of Unlikeliness and last week the scale, which goes from 1 (normal) to 10 (That's mad, Ted), hit 11 for the first time.

It is believed that the confirmation that Bono is a woman, one of Glamour magazine's women of the year, is what drove the reading over the top. The only thing that could have been odder about that is if Bono had turned out to be an ordinary woman, like a mother-of-four from Tullamore who does minister for the Eucharist at Sunday Mass and plays a bit more bridge now that the children are reared. But of course he is not. When Bono does become a woman, it has to be a woman of the year. Scientists also dismissed a rumour that Bono was not a real woman, and was in fact Mrs Doubtfire.

The Scale of Unlikeliness has also been driven up by the likelihood that a sociopath with blowdried hair is now definitely going to become President of America, whichever of the candidates wins. A lot of Irish people are said to be shocked to discover this weekend that Irish people don't have a vote in the US presidential election. "Everyone knows those people aren't fit to pick a president," said one irate Irish voter yesterday. "Most of them don't even have passports and everyone outside of California and New York is an unemployed steel worker who is hooked on crystal meth ever since they came back from 'Nam. The Irish people and the Irish media know what's best for America, and they should let us decide."

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