Monday 24 October 2016

Rear view: Down with the salad dealers

Published 10/05/2015 | 02:30

I’ll have pepperoni and olives with that! Rihanna’s spectacular gown at the Met Gala in New York was likened to a
pizza. Or, did she just grab some curtains from a hotel room somewhere?
I’ll have pepperoni and olives with that! Rihanna’s spectacular gown at the Met Gala in New York was likened to a pizza. Or, did she just grab some curtains from a hotel room somewhere?

This week we learned with pride that Ireland is racing, or possibly waddling, to the top of the chart to become the fattest country in Europe.

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Inevitably, attention will focus on our fondness for fast food, and the fact that too many schoolchildren gorge themselves on burgers and chips; and a day has not really started for many adults without a breakfast roll, washed down with a can of Coke.

We may fret about fast food, but we should really be placing the responsibility where really it lies. It's time to point the finger at the salad industry.

This paper lifted the plastic lid on the fact that some salads on sale in Irish shops contain more calories than a Big Mac and chips.

There was a time when salad was little more than an irritating garnish, served as an accompaniment to main dishes, and easily cast aside.

But now, many people are just having this green abomination for their lunch, with dangerous consequences. And the salad lobby has actually succeeded in convincing them that this culinary atrocity is healthy.

Health busybodies have recently moved to ban fast-food outlets near schools.

But based on the latest evidence, it's high time that we clamped down on tomato pushers and salad dealers who lurk in our midst.

Weddings and a funeral

We are not sure if it is a good idea of the Catholic church to announce that it may not perform the civil part of church wedding ceremonies, if the gays get their way and same-sex marriages are allowed.

How would a ban by the church affect Ireland's growing population of "à la carte" Catholics?

Faced with the prospect of two weddings, some might not bother with the elegant religious photographic backdrop, and just go for the civil ceremony.

In that case, they might never appear in a church at all until they are dead.

Will the bishops also go on a funeral strike if they don't get their way on some other issue? They could refuse to allow the body into the church, for a start. That would show those liberal pinkos.

Good week


Male bodies that are just ever so slightly flabby were all the rage on the internet. One pundit said of Dadbods: “It’s not an overweight guy, but it isn’t one with washboard abs, either.” But a Twitter sceptic said a Dadbod, modelled by Seth Rogen here, is a “beer gut after it’s hired a branding consultant”.

Public servants

It was reported that the Government is to earmark €250-300m for pay hikes, which could see public servants gain an average of over €800 each. Bye bye austerity. It’s time to whoop it up.

Bad week

Stag parties

An Irish groom apologised after revellers turned up at his Prague stag party dressed in Hitler masks. The owner of a local Irish pub said he was appalled by their behaviour. Let’s hope they don’t invade Poland now.


There was uproar as facial hair boffins revealed that some men’s beards are as dirty as toilets, with the same bacteria normally found in faecal matter. What have those hipsters  been doing?

Aul Buffer

Those teachers — are they on holidays again, on strike, or just holding up more placards, whingeing about this, that or the other?

It’s hard to tell nowadays if they’re working, I’ll grant you.

Michael Noonan says some people are allergic to jobs. If you ask me, most teachers treat a day in the classroom as if it was rougher than a dose of the bubonic plague

I never met such a shameless shower of shilly-shallyin’ shiftless shirkers in all my life. I suppose they need a break to prepare for another holiday.

If you ask me, most of those buffoons couldn’t teach a bantam hen to cluck.

They are giving out yards and going to start the revolution, because this Genghis Khan of a government says they might have to give their pupils a test some time in the next decade. And Lord bless and save us, they might even have to be there for some exams.

It’s the thin end of the wedge, they say. Next, they’ll be telling teachers to go into the classroom and teach pupils how to spell their names.

I tell you one thing. If I was Jan whatserface, I’d teach those work-shy loolahs a lesson they’d never forget

I’d halve their inflated salaries, and make the class sizes three times bigger. There were 60 in my classroom in the Brothers back in the day, and it never did us any harm.

None of your trendy, teaching college, new age claptrap. Pile’ em high and teach ’em cheap. That’s what I say.

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