Tuesday 24 January 2017

Kevin Myers: Don't believe the hjype or the Nördic negativity, my trijp to IKEA was an affär to remember

Published 10/03/2010 | 05:00

Ikea is not The Beatles and Elvis Presley together, live on stage. Ikea is not George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer performing a sex act in public.

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It is a shop, or what the Swedes call an "affär". Some of you might not be surprised that the Swedes don't know the difference between extra-marital sex and shopping, but I'm afraid to say that you've fallen into the lazy stereotype of which the Swedes are so often victims. Do you know what the Swedish for sex-shop is? No, it is not the tautological sex-affär, but sex-shop. So there.

Maybe Ikea is just an affär to remember. Yet how does it have such a paralysing effect wherever it goes? For the opening of the Dublin Ikea, the M50 resembled the highway out of San Francisco an hour before a nuclear cataclysm at the San Andreas Fault was expected. Pensioners beat one another to death in order to jump the queue by a single widdle-stain. Children were held by their heels and were used to clear a path through the competition. (Children, I always find, are usually more effective as scythes after you've sharpened their heads on a whetstone).

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