I KNOW it's springtime, because my frostbitten foot just fell off. I lost half my nose on the day of the vernal equinox, in this era of Official Global Warming. I am now down to my last thigh, one arm, and a nostril, and am typing this with my forehead. Forgive the spealing. 2013 seems to have lasted forever. Is it 2014 yet? No? Ah: how long to go? Nine months? You and I, we could make a baby in that time. You fancy one? No, me neither.
How did we get to this place of perpetual dogma, where even the weather is ideological? The collapse of communism was meant to have rid the world of such nonsense, but it didn't. Do you remember the justification for the EU's Constitution? No more fascism. Yet the EU now thinks nothing of violating constitutions and local laws, as if we are perpetually stuck in May, 1940, but instead of Berlin's Panzers knocking out Norway, Denmark, Holland and charging towards Calais, they're wrecking whatever Mediterranean economies are in the way.
As a matter of interest, just how do you make a country immune to fascism by stealing its savings and making its citizens eat straw? And why would people reject extremism when they know that when their children reach adulthood, they'll each: A) personally owe the troika €250,000, and B) have an annual income of a bag of gravel, 60pc of which will be deducted at source?
Quite simply, we have a new ruling caste that is immune to the ordinary laws of life. Its truest embodiment is Dominique Strauss-Kahn. DSK is the man who rose and rose and rose through the strange swamplands wherein European law, politics, banking and academics intersect, without ever making or achieving anything, but he nonetheless become immensely powerful.
DSK the man would have triumphed in any totalitarian DSK system, with his mastery of bureaucracies and his utter lack of any principle. Though he finally came a cropper after failing to keep his pecker in his pocket, the essential spirit of DSK lives on in the troika, in the politicians of the EU, and in their senior civil servants.
For like DSK, they too are immune to the laws of consequence, and the ordinary rules of failure: their incomes, their pensions, their plane flights and their banquets are all guaranteed, no matter how many of their projects fail. Doors silently swivel open at their approach: ruin falls upon entire islands at their lightest word. (And remind me please: just who actually voted for such ruthless group punishments in the Maastricht and Lisbon plebiscites?)
There was an innocent time when I thought an isobar was a pub for seamstresses. That was when we would listen to the shipping forecasts for their inner assonances: Malin. Shannon. Rockall. Fair Isle. Cromarty. Forties. Forth. South Utsira. North Utsira. Light winds, veering north: steady. Pure poetry. Then the met people firstly went scientific, with all their talk of isobars, and next they became political, scolding us about global warming, and urging us to build windmills everywhere. And, contrite, we believed them. 'Global warming' displaced Bird Flu, Swine Flu, AIDS, genital herpes and acid rain as the great scare of our times. And indeed, a series of mild winters seemed to confirm it. But three of the past four have been bitterly cold, and an unbroken cold grey canvas of cloud and sleet, hail, rain and snow, has now lasted a sunless, cropless year. We have become the Falklands of the North Atlantic, yet we apparently are still experiencing "global warming".
AND dogma doesn't stop at the weather. Informal unstated ideology continues to triumph over popular opinion, regardless of evidence. Virtually every single Arab state has collapsed in an orgy of despotism, slaughter and sectarian butchery. Saudi Arabia recently even beheaded a 24-year old Sri Lankan woman, Rizana Nafeek (but with an Islamic sword, you'll be relieved to hear). Yet which is the country in the Middle East most reviled by those nice euro-liberals? Israel, of course, the only state in the entire region where the rule of law prevails, and homosexuality is not punishable by death.
For ideology rules throughout the EU – in universities, the media, parliaments and met offices. The euro is ideology at its purest, and has accordingly brought about Armageddon in its wake. But instead of the EU admitting it has made a catastrophic monetary mistake, entire societies continue to be laid waste in the euro's name.
And the bankers having had their ruinous say, the meteorologists will probably be next, demanding mandatory wind power across the entire EU.
Two world wars apparently weren't enough: Europe's pathological deathwish has found its perfect outlet – blind devotion to fact-free dogma.