Monday 5 December 2016

Government must try harder, as my report card lands on doormat before election test

Published 30/07/2015 | 02:30

'Our Taoiseach promised us ministerial report cards. But don’t hold your breath'
'Our Taoiseach promised us ministerial report cards. But don’t hold your breath'

My mother gravely cautioned me: "It's arrived. Your father hasn't seen it yet." The end of school year report was much feared in the post. Maybe because I was in boarding school, away from daily parental contact, or perhaps due to the enormous education costs involved, commentary on the report card was deeply significant - either way. It involved an assessment of my commitment, effort and ability. Our Taoiseach promised us ministerial report cards. But don't hold your breath. So here's my verdict on Ireland's first XV:

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Enda Kenny (Head Boy): Develops excessively exuberant attitudes to his authority; formerly friendly and considerate, now with onerous responsibilities, is losing popularity for being too close to German boys. Could benefit from listening to those who've been alienated by his class actions. Gained public respect for hard work and ability to keep steady his relationship with the head girl. Diminished in self-confidence with interviews, needs help to develop more relaxed, accessible approach to media for upcoming national exams. Grade B

Joan Burton (Head Girl): Progressed to top of class after expulsion of former pal Eamon. Great expectations she'd improve overall ratings; sadly, results slipped to previous abysmal levels - not entirely her own fault. Never uses two sentences where 10 will suffice - leading to excess verbosity, with tendency to wander off topic. Homework on pensions needs supervision, must not defer decisions. Joan was accused of bullying other girls (lone parents) by confiscating pocket money; her enthusiasm for welfare reform demonstrates she can express ideas clearly. Grade B+

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