You ain't fooling anybody
Published 22/02/2013 | 06:00
Really? Are you really serious?
There has been a bit of a ruckus this week about Gerry Adams and his Twitter account.
You see, good old Gerry is not a former terrorist leader, oh no.
In fact, he is just a cuddly, sweet natured guy.
And the proof?
Well, on his new Twitter account – which most people initially thought was a hoax – he pays endless homage to his . . . teddy bear. His apparently gay teddy bear, that is.
In a bizarre and somehow sinister series of tweets, Adams speaks of his bear – named with dazzling originality as 'Ted' – and says at one point: "Ted turned up safe&sound. He spent the night with Tom. Tom is nice."
Now, having a benevolent attitude towards gay teddy bears is all lovely and warm and fuzzy, although I somehow doubt the family of Jean McConville will be particularly moved by his softer side.
But things truly took a weird turn when he wrote: "Cats can swim 2. Im in bath. With rubber duck. Yellow. I 4give u 4 taking keys. Enjoy ur swim. Good luck 2 Loughgiel hurlers 2day."
Although I suppose, in a weird way, these bizarre and grammatically appalling tweets are actually a strange sign of progress.
Because it means that nowadays the only thing he is destroying is the English language.
I suppose we should at least be thankful for that.
Although the spell check on my computer had a nervous breakdown when it was trying to cope with his English.
I guess she's worth it
One of the things that really, really desperately bugs me is the reflexive demonisation of the working class – particularly the white working class.
It seems to be that in an age of extreme political correctness, when every interest group simply shouts the loudest and has their demands granted, the working class is the last easy target for people to have a pop at.
Indeed, there is a mixture of contempt and condescension that is particularly vile. I remember one former colleague – thankfully now long gone – patiently explaining the Crumlin/Drimnagh feud to me by saying: "Sure what else can you expect from these people? They don't know any better."
And as someone originally from Crumlin, you can imagine my response – it wasn't pretty.
But then there are people like Heather Frost.
English mother of 11 Frost has never worked and currently lives in not one but two houses provided by her local council.
And now she is about to be given a six-bedroom "mansion" but insists: "If I don't like it they will just have to find me another one, won't they?"
She had her first kid when she was 14 and has had three other men to breed with.
But I did like her justification for having such a large brood: "I don't believe in abortion. It's a waste of taxpayers' money."
Says the woman who has been handed a free house worth a half a million quid.
He'll see you in court
I've never really understood the point of X Factor judge Tulisa (pictured), formerly of N-Dubz.
She seems to have no talent other than abusing people on Twitter and, frankly, they don't come more chavtastic than her: tattoos, constantly talking about being "urban" (wow, you're from a city, what an achievement) and she just seems like a bargain-basement Cheryl Cole – now, there's a phrase I never thought I'd see myself write.
But now it looks like she is litigious as well.
She is threatening to sue will.i.am (hey, crazy name, must be a crazy guy, right?) for allegedly using some lyrics that she wrote for a song, 'Scream and Shout', and she wants half the royalties after it was released by Britney Spears instead.
So, to quote Dennis Hopper in Speed – okay class, pop quiz.
Can you name a single song she has ever released?
Nope, me neither.
Wow – he still doesn't get it
Those of us a certain generation will remember the fabled case of Gerald Ratner, the millionaire who lost his jewellery business when he described their products as rubbish and "tat".
Now it looks like the bould Ratner has a modern contemporary – Iceland's Malcolm Walker.
I mentioned yesterday that he explained that they didn't test for horse meat because they didn't test for hedgehog either, which you have to admit, is an unusual way of looking at things.
Then he moved on to BBC's Panorama to talk about meat contamination by saying: "Well, that's the Irish, isn't it?".
But his Pièce de résistance was when he loftily announced that he would never shop at a "value" store (in other words, a place like Iceland) because: "They won't contain much meat."
Actually, the more I think of it, my earlier assertion that Malcolm could be the new Ratner is entirely wrong – because I doubt the people who shop in Iceland care one way or the other what is in the food they buy.
After all, a dozen frozen sausages for a pound doesn't exactly scream gourmet food, does it?
I smell a rat
I've never met Nick Munier but I know people who have and they all describe him as an absolute gentleman – funny, friendly, professional and basically one of the good guys.
However, I have met his former business partner Marco Pierre White (I cooked for him in his restaurant a few years ago) and he was an obnoxious weasel – he can sue me if he wants, I stand over every word.
So I was taken by an unusually vicious online review of Munier's Pichet on TripAdvisor, which accused him of being rude to a group of diners.
Munier is now suing on the grounds that he wasn't in the restaurant on the night claimed and he says he is sick of people putting anonymous, malicious posts against him.
In an entirely unrelated piece of news, the only other restaurant review posted by TST2 was . . . a glowing review of MPW's latest restaurant.
But I'm sure MPW was horrified to see his former colleague and business parner being trashed while his place received a great review.