Yes we can burn the witch!
As American politics continues to further degenerate into outright lunacy following the row over health reform and the rise of the 'birthers' -- those people who simply refuse to believe that Obama was born, as he says, in Hawaii and is therefore ineligible to be President -- it seems things are getting tough for the former golden boy.
As if it's not bad enough that Obama has to live with his mother-in-law (the thoughts of a man with access to nuclear weapons while having to deal with the frustration of living with his wife's ma' is, frankly, quite worrying) now he has to face down the accusation that she is a witch who practises Santeria.
According to reports from right-wing papers in the States: "Obama was said to be furious when he discovered that his mother-in-law was openly practising Santeria in the White House."
Now that's going to be an interesting talk with his wife; "Um, honey, I know you love your mother and she really is a nice woman and all that, but could you ask her to stop sacrificing chickens in the Oval Office? People really are starting to talk and the Secret Service guys are all making fun of me. And Dick Cheney rang to ask if she has any good voodoo spells. No, no, it's not like that, you know I love your mother, now please stop crying ... "
OH, THEIR FEELINGS ARE HURT
You have to feel a bit sorry for Ogra Sinn Fein, which is basically Sinn Fein/IRA for the Bebo generation.
As their elders and lessers in the grown-up party flounder in ever more hilarious and pointless ways, the mini-mes desperately search in vain for some sort of relevance.
So you can only imagine their little squeals of delight when they heard that those nasty Brits were sending a battleship into Dublin harbour.
According to spokesman David Byrne: "This ship is representative of the same navy that is responsible for occupation and oppression across the globe. We are here today to tell the British Navy that they are not welcome in Ireland and to show our opposition to the display of British force. The open arm welcoming of this ship by the Government is insensitive and unacceptable.''
Aw, diddums.
Are the junior terrorists upset that the Government is being insensitive to their feelings?
UM, NOT QUITE
After we ran a picture of Keeley Hazell, an irate reader got in touch and said: "I know you are not the self-respecting type and like to publish your predilections for this, but I would like to warn you that it's a great evil and you and your likes are self-confessed vampires of young, vulnerable girls.
"I can only warn you that anyone who engages and promotes this as some form of acceptable practice is on very dangerous spiritual and moral ground. It is a great evil and I know you don't go in for moral or religious thinking but the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, Ian."
And while it is nice to be called a vampire, it would appear that the letter writer is being rather too generous when describing ISpy's body as "a temple".
Comparing it to a run-down storage shed in a laneway off the back of the Naas dual carriageway would have been more accurate.
Here we go again ...
On the off chance that you're not completely sick of the whole Jordan/Peter Andre saga, here's the latest piece of news guaranteed to make you hurl: According to popbitch.com, the pair have signed up to do a Christmas reunion single together.
Even by the standards of the deeply unpleasant walking moral vacuum that is the silicone-enhanced, oompa-loompa-lookalike model, that would be a new low -- and further example that she really is one of the most despicable, cynical slappers on the face of the planet. So the chances are the story is true, then.
But when not posing with her tits out and slagging off Peter Andre for the crime of bringing the kids strawberry picking -- although she has no problems allegedly allowing her kids to see her in bed with her new boyfriend -- she has a new hobby.
In fact, she says she is obsessed with serial killers and wants to start writing to some of them.
She claims that Fred West was her favourite and if he wasn't dead she would have liked to write to him.
From his dungeon in the 7th Circle of Hell yesterday, West commented: "Look, I know I killed a load of people and am a truly reprehensible monster, but I have standards, you know."
When Satan offered him a brief break from an eternity of being tortured by demons in a gruesome and sexually inappropriate manner if he wanted to talk to Jordan, West responded in between blood curdling screams of pain and anguish: "Nah, I'm grand here, thanks."
BOOKWORM
Travel writing tends to fall into two categories. The first is pedantic lists of destination, complete with forensic descriptions of a city's transport system and a potted history of the area's geography, all of which could have been cribbed off the internet and the reader leaves without gaining anything interesting.
And then there's the kind of travel writing that the brilliant Bill Bryson engages in, when he places himself at the centre of the story and brings the reader on a journey through his bemusement and incomprehension.
A perfect example of that is Notes From A Small Island, his 1985 memoir of his time in Britain. Equally exasperated and charmed by his time as an American living in Britain, the writer tries to explain Britishness for dummies, such as why they're all convinced that all summers used to be warm and sunny, and he tries to get his head around the English conviction that they have a God-given right to win at soccerball.
LOGGING ON ...
There really are some very odd people out there, and long may they last.
Take, for instance, the people behind celticfisher.org, an Irish site set up to worship the Almighty Cod and his wise ways.
Sample quote: "Each of us has a sole -- the proof of the existence of sole is just as scientifically sound as the existence of cod, so do not despair or doubt!"
