The salt of the earth
Top of his game: Crime fiction writer Declan Burke
Related Articles
Thursday April 30 2009
Children really are the best incentive not to have sex. But once you have them, you might as well do your best. Like Leanne Salt.
Coventry-based, 29-stone, benefit-claiming single mother Salt, who could charitably be called a swamp donkey, is a mother of nine-month-old triplets and she has taken an innovative approach to their diet.
She feeds them McDonald's, chips, Smash with spaghetti hoops, and bottles of tea.
She defends the fact that she is killing her kids by saying that: "They are happy" and that it has "f**k all to do with anyone else".
But before people are quick to judge this huffalump, she doesn't just feed them McDonald's, oh no. "I also make them microwave meals like lasagne, which I chew before giving to them."
Somehow, we get the impression that there's not a lot left after she starts to chew.
Here's another thought: just how pissed do you have to be before you cop off with someone who is 29 stone?
Is there that much booze in the world?
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. OR NOT
A new amendment to the proposed Defamation Bill plans to include the charge of "blasphemous libel" which would carry a fine of a hundred grand.
And what would the Bill cover? Well, we're no longer allowed to be "grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby causing outrage among a substantial amount of adherents to that religion".
So, in other words, pointing out that you would have to be quite naive to believe in Transubstantiaton, or that Islam is a savage, desert superstition largely practised by men who hate women so much they must all be repressed homosexuals, would cost you €100,000? Looks like this column is going to be going to the Credit Union looking for a lot of loans.
Although in fairness, at least it will protect ISpy's religion, The Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, from criticism.
And forget about Muslims getting 72 virgins when they get to Heaven, us Pastafarians can look forward to an afterlife containing beer volcanoes and stripper factories.
All hail his Noodly Goodness!
THE BENEFITS OF RECESSION ...
Okay, now it's official. We are in a recession.
Forget about people losing their jobs and having to take pay cuts, it now turns out that brothels have had to start reducing their prices.
Brothels in Germany have slashed their prices by up to 30pc to cope with the downturn and one madam in Hanover says: "Times are tough for us too."
So, the next time you start to moan, just spare a thought for those poor German prossies who have had to take a pay cut.
And book a seat on Ryanair.
iSpied
LOGGING ON...
Celebrating the best and the worst of Irish life, theelevator.ie is one of the best Irish websites around. Best known for their annual Gooseberries Awards, which honour the most appalling people in Irish society, their site is a comprehensive snapshot of Ireland today.
They have been celebrating the closure of Dylan McGrath's Mint restaurant, saying: "The reason the Ranelagh eaterie is closing is not because of the recession but because the place is so small you're sitting on your neighbour's lap.
"And the owner is a sadomasochistic wanker."
Ah lads, that's not fair on Dylan. He's not masochistic at all.
BOOK WORM
We're going through something of a golden age of Irish fiction at the moment, with the likes of Gene Kerrigan, Declan Hughes and the peerless Ken Bruen. And you can comfortably add Declan Burke to that list.
The Sligo native has been producing great crime fiction for the last few years and you could do a lot worse than checking out The Big O, which has even garnered Burke comparisons to Elmore Leonard.
