News Ian O'Doherty

Tuesday 2 September 2014

The might of Marty Morrissey

Ian O'Doherty

Published 20/08/2008 | 00:00

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Despite the fact that this column has been launching a one-man boycott of the Beijing Olympics -- this is due to the country's appalling record of animal abuse. Oh, and their human rights record as well, I suppose -- the games continue to take place.

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But while we won't be watching any of them, one thing is unmissable -- Mad Marty Morrissey's deranged blog on the RTE website.

And Marty's high point of his time in Beijing so far?

Well, it was, um, meeting Cindy Crawford.

As he puts it: "Being an inquisitive type, I and my ace cameraman Kieran Slyne (who has a lovely Cork accent by the way) took off with speed in pursuit of one of the most beautiful women in the world. I shouted as you do in these situations, 'Marty Morrissey RTE Sport Ireland'. (You just got to mention the Irish angle every time over here) 'What do you think of the Olympics?' She smiled but before the poor girl could answer she was whisked away by an army of bodyguards."

But our intrepid reporter was not be to deterred and he set off in hot pursuit before, as he tells us: "This time she looked lovingly into my eyes and purred 'Just Great' before again being surrounded by the quite jealous bodyguards who obviously didn't want her to get to know me."

Cindy Crawford's blog, sadly, failed to record this great meeting of minds.

Stay tuned next week when Marty breathlessly recounts waving at Naomi Campbell from the top of a bus.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE'LL PROBABLY WIN

There was a time when, as an illegal immigrant, if you got caught in a country you weren't supposed to be in, you would be arrested and ultimately deported. After all, those were the rules of the game and people knew what they were doing.

That's all changed now, of course. In America you have illegal Irish and Hispanic immigrants who demand the right to stay and the same rights as those who actually have a right to be there, while the asylum industry in Ireland has made a lot of Irish lawyers very rich.

But perhaps the best case of an illegal immigrant taking the Mick out of the system comes from -- where else? -- Britain.

Illegal Algerian immigrant Cherif Beniaiche entered the UK under a false passport three years ago at the age of 16. When he tried to leave to go back on holidays to Algeria, he was picked up by passport control and promptly arrested for forgery. And because the fake passport had his age listed as 22, he was placed in an adult prison for two months before being ultimately deported.

But because he was actually still under age, he claims his yooman rites have been violated and he is suing the State for €65,000.

As he says himself: "My rights were violated. Nobody looked out for me." But as far as our hero is concerned, the story should have a happy ending because, as he so eloquently put it: "I'm in the money now!"

Nice work if you can get it.

WELL, YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SICK

There are few things worse than being stuck in hospital for any protracted period of time.

This is largely because sick people are a pain in the arse and to be surrounded for any length by a bunch of malingerers whingeing about their ailments is enough to turn anyone into Jack Kervorkian.

And now one of the few things left to brighten a patient's day, cards and flowers, have been banned from British hospital wards in a row over elf'n'safety.

Claiming that because flowers contain pollen they are dangerous to asthmatics and people with respiratory problems, one Bristol hospital has also banned get well cards because "we need to keep the environment tidy for the cleaners."

What's next -- asking the patients to perform the operations themselves?

WOW, REALLY? WHO WOULDA THUNK IT

Straight from the Department Of The Bleedin' Obvious -- scientists have discovered that the drunker you get, the more attractive the opposite sex becomes.

And in the soon to be released second part of their study, boffins reveal that men quite like women in skimpy clothes ...

BRiAN McFADDEN -- A CLOSET HOMOPHOBE?

Perhaps the kindest thing one can say about Brian McFadden is that he is not as bad as his ex-wife, the appalling slattern Kerry Katona. And, now that he doesn't seem to have a career any more, we don't have to listen to his music.

But it's unlikely he will be seen playing any gay pride rallies any time soon.

McFadden has annoyed the gay community in New Zealand when he remarked that claiming pink is a form of red is the same as "saying a homosexual is a form of male" before wondering whether only blokes who wore pink live in San Francisco or Sydney.

Kiwi gay rights groups are outraged, saying: "When children hear celebrities saying things like that they think it's okay for them to say it."

McFadden responded: "They called me a celebrity? That's the nicest thing anyone's said about me for years."

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