No whites need apply... or men
Perhaps the most ridiculous victim group out there -- and Satan knows, there are plenty -- is the bizarre tendency for white men to complain that they are being victimised. Yup, it seems that the traditional oppressor has now become the oppressed. It seems absurd, of course, and most of the complaints tend to come from people who are outraged at women and minorities now having the same rights as the rest of us. But sometimes they have a point.
That can be the only conclusion after it emerged that Avon fire services are having a series of five open days called "Have A Go" in an effort to attract new recruits.
So far so normal, we all need firemen -- sorry, firepersons.
But that's not enough for the good people of Avon -- white men are banned from four of the five days and only women and ethnic minorities are allowed to attend.
This is because -- shock horror -- 97pc of serving fire officers are white and this has appalled the upper echelons of the fire staff. In fact, according to fire chiefs, this type of apparent imbalance is unrepresentative of society and they want 15pc of the force to be women and 3pc to be ethnic minorities. Kevin Pearson, the brigade's chief officer, said: "We are doing what we can to encourage applications from women and minority groups who are currently under-represented in the fire service. It is my concern to improve diversity so the service reflects the community it serves and we can provide the best possible service."
Pearson also runs courses on how best to cope as a Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender person in the fire service.
So, the next time you're stuck in a house fire in Bristol and a transgendered lesbian pygmy tries to lift you down the stairs, at least you can burn happily in the knowledge that you are seeing diversity in action.
But if Pearson is so worried about the over representation of white men in the job, why doesn't he resign?
HELMUT -- A HERO TO US ALL
You know what they say about those pesky Germans and their fondness for rules and regulations, but it's nice to see some of them aren't completely automated.
Take a bow former German chancellor Helmut Schmidt, who openly flouted his country's newly introduced smoking ban. While at the theatre.
After photographs of the politician appeared in Bild, German anti-smoking groups -- and you can only imagine what wild and crazy party guys they are -- such as the German Non-Smokers Initiative, thundered that: "Their illegal behaviour was encouraged by the theatre" and this will not be tolerated.
The group then went on to list all the bad things smoking cigarettes does for you, including premature death.
For the record, Helmut Schmidt is 89.
So, c'mon kids, spark up those ciggies. You know it makes you look cool.
WHAT A GREAT USE OF RESOURCES
May this column be the first to congratulate school teacher Catherine Ryan on her High Court action forcing cigarette companies to print health warnings in Irish as well as English on their packets.
Sure, some people have said that it was a ridiculous waste of time and money and it was just the kind of cranky tokenism which makes people hate Irish language activists.
But thanks to Ms Ryan, the vast hordes of Gaeilgoraí who were dying in their thousands because they couldn't understand the English language warnings can now be protected from their habit.
Maith an cailín... or something.
DUDE, WE'RE TOTALLY THERE
Who says stoners don't have great ideas?
The latest example of pot-induced creativity comes with the news that the Herbal Nutrition Centre is to open the world's first cannabis vending machine.
People who are prescribed dope for medicinal purposes -- does the fact that you like to get baked count? -- can now go to the shop and, once they have proved who they are, can then buy their weekly allotted amount.
The experiment is in its infancy, but it has some fantastic possibilities.
After all, stick a dope vending machine beside the Coke and Mars bars machines and you have the three main food groups right in front of you.
MADGE: SHE'S GETTING ON NOW, YOU KNOW
Poor Madge. It seems that time is finally catching up with the songstress, as her anti-ageing regimen becomes as confusing and daft as one of her husband's movies.
Apart from desperately trying to conceal the cosmetic surgery she has had on her face, she is reported to have spent millions building a gym in her secret underground lair -- or "house" as she likes to call it -- and is frantically trying all sorts of daft schemes to keep time away. And when you're someone who believes in Kaballah and also reckons that water can be given magical power though "meditations and the consciousness of sharing", that's a lot of daft.
But with her obsession comes fear.
And, rather typically, her fears are as mad as her.
Radiators, for instance are something she can't abide and according to one friend: "she has a youthful face but old women's hands." And the woman wants them back.
Well, I don't care what people say -- she's the best looking 85-year-old I've ever seen.
- Ian O'Doherty
