Micro aggressive? Step outside and I'll show you micro aggressive
Published 25/02/2014 | 02:30
I know this column is sometimes accused of looking for the wildest, wackiest, most demented examples of political correctness gone maaaad (a phrase that must only ever be spoken aloud while speaking in a cockney accent, for some reason).
Even being seen to point out the essential absurdities of this ridiculous system is enough to have the mobilised masses of the sensitivity industry rushing to accuse any dissenter as being 'insensitive' or 'unhelpful'. Honestly, it's as if we're all supposed to have attended some secret meeting where it was decided what was acceptable and what wasn't.
Well, I'd love to have been at the secret meeting in Canada that recently saw a student forced to make a public apology. His crime? 'Micro-aggression' against black people.
And what in the name of Black Jesus is 'micro-aggression' when it's at home?
It's not, as you might assume, being slightly aggressive. No, 'micro-aggression' is apparently "perpetuating living legacies against different groups".
In this case, the student forwarded an old Jay Leno clip that featured some clever mocked-up footage of an angry Obama kicking a door as he angrily leaves a press conference.
The student – and presumably Leno as well – were guilty of subconsciously "perpetuating the myth" that "young African American males are violent".
So far, so bonkers.
But it transpires that micro-aggression is any act that assumes anything about anybody based on their race, culture, creed, sexuality or gender. Therefore, showing a piece of faked footage of a half-black president kicking a door is, automatically, a slur against all young black men.
This is the kind of flatulent gibberish that the mandarins of the Left use to try to ensure that everybody remains guilty of something, whether they actually are guilty or not. And it's gleefully, proudly, joyously demented and wrong.
And you know what? You've been guilty of micro aggression recently. And the chances are you've also been the victim of it. And you probably didn't even know it.
From my own pint of view, I was the victim of a quite disgusting piece of micro-aggression only yesterday when, as I approached two female colleagues, they stopped talking. This excluded me from the collective and hurt my feelings, making me feel worthless as a human being causing me profound and lasting emotional distress.
As it turned out, they were talking about America's Next Top Model and assumed – correctly – that I wouldn't be interested in discussing the programme. But how dare they make assumptions about me purely on the grounds of a) my gender and b) my sexuality?
As a straight, white man I found it terribly upsetting to be the victim of such profiling.
You see the great thing about micro-aggression is that it is in the eye of the beholder – in other words, if someone chooses to take offence at something, even something complimentary, that you have said, then you are meant to apologise, no matter how ridiculous their grievance may be. It's a bit like saying Italians make good lovers and then being sued by a bloke from Milan who suffers from erectile dysfunction.
But, as brilliantly mental as it all is, this is all showing a quite disgusting lack of ambition. Because I'm already bored with micro aggression.
From now on, I am going to practice only micro, passive-aggression.
As someone who is seldom actually discriminated against on the grounds of my gender, race or the kind of person I like to sleep with, I now feel completely marginalised and isolated from the mainstream conversation about being a victim.
And I saw a joke about the Irish on The Simpsons the other day that shook me to my core.
Now, where's my damn lawyer.
THANK GOD THEY NEVER SAW A SAUSAGE BEING MADE
Most of us know at least a few people who don't eat meat, whether for medical, ethical or moral reasons. Or maybe they simply don't like the taste. And, by and large, sensible people on both sides just want to be left alone to make their own choices without being ballyragged.
But then there are those evil butchers. Butchers like JBS in Sudbury, a small market town in the middle of farming country in Suffolk. The town has apparently become one of those places where an influx of 'city folk' has caused some resentment amongst the locals and JBS has been forced to remove their daily displays of fresh meat after receiving anonymous threats from newcomers.
In fact, one father even wrote to his local paper to complain about the: "Mutilated carcasses of dead animals on display... we avoid the entire precinct as we'd rather not look at bloody severed pigs' heads when buying sweets."
Now, you could argue that it's healthier for kids to eat free-range meat than it is to stuff their faces with sweets, but what was interesting was that the complaints came from people who actually eat meat – they just don't like seeing it in its natural state.
Yes, so much better to tell your children that the meat they're having for dinner never ran in a field but was actually grown in a petri dish and then presented to squeamish punters looking like a lump of pink chewing gum wrapped in clingfilm.
Actually, the way food science is going, it won't be long before that's exactly that what they're doing.
And where will that leave the cows?
Unemployed, mate. That's what.
WELL. WHO DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING?
Helen Keller could have predicted that outcome, and Morgan has been quick to point the finger of blame at those nasty gun people who objected to his campaign against the right to bear arms.
Now, as much as we might think America's attitudes towards guns is weird – although not nearly as weird as how they think our attitudes are in return – maybe somebody could have taken young Piers aside and told him that Yanks don't take kindly to Limeys coming over and threatening to take their guns off them.
After all, it didn't work out too well the last time they tried it...